What Kind of Relationship Are You In?
Healthy Relationship Do’s and Don’ts
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash.com
Every person is unique. Therefore, every relationship is also unique.
Some need work. Some are entirely toxic. But throughout these descriptions of different kinds of relationships, you’ll find what makes a healthy relationship. Because no matter who you are, a healthy relationship is exactly what you need when you’re looking for a partner.
The Different Kinds of Intimate Relationships
Codependent Relationships
Sometimes, you meet a couple that seems so unhappy that you wonder why they are still together. As unhealthy as it may be, these are two adults who are willing participants in this partnership. Despite common reasons for sticking together like children, finances or time invested, the bigger issue is that one or both people feel compelled to stay in a painful and ultimately, unhealthy relationship.
A codependent relationship means that one (or more likely both) of you are reliant on the other to function. We aren’t saying missing your spouse is a bad thing or that losing your partner wouldn’t be one of the hardest things you had to go through. That’s not what we mean by “codependent.”
Codependency is when two people with dysfunctional personality traits become worse together. The traditional definition of codependency focuses on “control, nurturing, and maintenance of relationships with individuals who are chemically dependent, or engaging in undesirable behaviors, such as narcissism.” A classic codependency model is the alcoholic husband and his enabling wife. Codependent individuals “share the responsibility for the unhealthy behaviour, primarily by focusing their lives on the sick or the bad behaviour and by making their own self-esteem and well-being contingent on the behaviour of the unhealthy partner.”
A codependent relationship totally forfeits the independence of the individual to become whatever the other person needs. Yes, relationships take compromise and empathy but totally giving up who you are as a person is never healthy.
Are you in a codependent relationship? Ask yourself these questions:
Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?
Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
Independent Relationships
The flip side of the codependent relationship is the independent relationship. It is very important to have independence in a relationship. Successful, healthy relationships allow for both people to form a bond which lets them not only grow together but to grow independently as individuals. It’s essential to have your own sense of autonomy while feeling you can depend on each other.
It’s about finding a balance. Too much independence can hurt your relationship.
Being in a relationship is about building trust and finding compromises to begin blending your lives together. But, if you are both totally independent of each other, you may even forget you’re in a relationship at all and that prevents you from building trust.
Some people are self-reliant to a fault, putting far too much pressure on themselves. They bring self-reliance to a new level because they believe they are unable to rely on anyone. This belief can serve us well as adolescents and single adults as we strive to achieve our goals and build a sense of identity, but as an adult, is can pose significant issues over time.
“Researchers have found that people who avoid asking for help may suffer significant social and professional costs. They have a tendency to avoid seeking valuable help because involving others makes them feel needy. But by choosing to isolate in order to feel self-reliant, they may put themselves at risk of feeling unsupported or depressed.”
Put into the context of developing intimate relationships, the challenge comes when you struggle with the notion of staying independent while being reliant upon a partner for emotional support.
This is the double-edged sword of reliance. On the surface, it's wonderful to be independent, self-sufficient and resilient. But when you believe you must do everything for yourself, it's hard to let your partner in. It's hard to give them the opportunity to come through for you. It’s hard build trust and full intimacy.
In small doses, self-reliance is positive but reliance on others can be healthy and affirming.
Dominant/Subordinate Relationships
Being dominant or submissive is natural among all human beings. If you look over your relationship with friends, family, co-workers, you can give a clear answer as to if you are a dominant or a subordinate in these relationships. Being either dominant or a subordinate is a major part of our character and plays an important role in how we deal with people in our daily lives.
It is also common to see that in every relationship, either one of the spouses is more dominant while the other is more complying, hence a subordinate. A dominant and submissive relationship may make you think of the common sexual fantasy of roleplaying among spouses during physical intimacy. However, this kind of relationship is not only limited to being intimate.
A couple can practice dominance and submission in their daily affairs, with one of them having more power than the other. Although this might raise questions, numerous surveys have proved dominant and subordinate roles in a relationship can be extremely beneficial. The two partners tend to work as a team and cooperate to make things smoother for the family.
One may think that it is always the man that is in control and the woman is the one who is more complying and obeying but genders do not matter and are a lot less of a factor. “A quarter of all marriages are said to be female-dominated and have been found to be more effective.”
However, in the unhealthy version of a dominant/subordinate relationship, one person in the relationship exerts total control over the other. The dominant partner makes all the decisions, from what show to watch on TV to where to go on vacation, and the submissive partner acquiesces regardless of what they want or think.
Typically, in these scenarios, there is a lack of empathy and the dominant partner sees the relationship as a means to get whatever they want. The other partner has no self-confidence and sees the relationship as a means to ‘complete’ themselves.
A healthy relationships requires both partners to be able to stand up for themselves and to be able to express their wants and needs effectively. Each partner must felt heard. Each partner must feel respected.
Open Relationships
What is an open relationship?
The common definition, says that open relationships occur between two people in a primary relationship who have agreed to open up their relationship sexually — but not romantically.
Both partners have agreed that both of you can see people outside of this relationship. Generally, people enter open relationships because they think it’s going to bring them more pleasure, joy, love, satisfaction, orgasms, excitement, or some combination of those. And, it is not as uncommon as you think, as more than one-fifth of folks have been or are in an open relationship.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Dana McNeil, MA, LMFT, says that “even if you eventually end up closing the relationship, practicing ethical nonmonogamy helps individuals hone their skills in problem-solving, communication, and making and holding boundaries. It always forces folks to really identify what their desires and needs are.”
What are the disadvantages of open relationships? “Nonmonogamy can exacerbate preexisting personal issues and issues in the relationship. Nonmonogamy isn’t going to fix a relationship with an unstable foundation. So if that’s the reason you’re opening the relationship, it’ll likely result in a breakup. The same idea applies if you tend to be dishonest, manipulative, jealous or selfish.”
Typically this is a sign that one or both participants aren’t emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Often open relationships begin because one or both participants fear genuine emotional connection.
For a relationship to go deeper and work in the long haul, two people have to start developing deep roots with each other. That requires a deep emotional commitment that needs honesty and intimacy. At the end of the day, you have to decide what kind of relationship you want and works for you. You just have to be honest with yourself… would an open relationship work for you?
Long Distance Relationships
There are not many couples that would say communication isn’t essential in a healthy relationship. Yet, it’s still what most couples need to work on. The little reminders to pay attention to each other and listen before we want to be heard. And when your interaction is all through text, calls, and voice chats, communication is the absolute lifeblood of your long-distance relationship. Yet, despite all of the technology to help us keep in touch, it can’t make up for everything.
There are more physical barriers, at least on the surface, compared to the emotional hurdles of the other types of relationships here. Different work or school schedules or sleep preferences can wreak havoc on even the most well intentioned couples when it comes to making time for communicating with each other. Whether you are working opposite shifts, are hours away from each other or on opposite sides of the country, communication is vital.
Often, a couple can settle into a pattern, even when it turns out that pattern doesn't work particularly well for one or both partners. When are you at your best? When can you devote private, unrushed time to conversation? How do you feel about spontaneous texts? Who has the more flexible schedule? What feels like your most intimate part of the day — or the time when you crave connection the most? Who should initiate the contact? Do you prefer a set time no matter what, or should it vary by the day? There's no limit to the types of communication arrangements that can work, as long as they feel mutually satisfying.
To stay on the same page, you both need to be thinking of the other. Seek to understand each other before being understood. In long-distance relationships, we can be so excited to talk to the other person we forget they have things they want to share too. After all, both of you are feeling the same way. You are in this together.
Toxic Relationships
The complete opposite of a healthy relationship is a toxic one.
Often relationships get toxic because of the total sacrifice of your own wants or needs for that of someone else or there is no compromise from either person in a toxic relationship. One or both partners are typically damaged emotionally and cling to each other for fear of losing something that is only a reality in their mind. But, love isn’t about giving up all autonomy of yourself. Love also means loving yourself. Selflessness is a virtue that adds value to the relationship only if both parties participate in it.
“Depending on the nature of the relationship, the signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious.”
If you’re in a toxic relationship, you may recognize these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself:
Lack of support, in other words, you don’t feel like your partner has your back.
Toxic communication including sarcasm, criticism, hostility or avoiding each other.
Jealousy which also includes being jealous of your successes, qualities, etc.
Controlling behaviours such as questioning where you are all the time or getting upset if you don’t immediately answer texts, etc.
Resentment like holding on to grudges and bringing them up again and again.
Dishonesty to excuse bad behaviour or to manipulate you into doing something that benefits them.
Patterns of disrespect like being chronically late, forgetting events, and talking down to you.
Negative financial behaviours including purchasing and withdrawing money without consulting you.
Constant stress where you feel constantly on edge and like you are ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid conflict.
Ignoring your needs where you go along with your partner despite it going against your wishes or comfort level.
Lost relationships where, to avoid conflict with your partner, you stop spending time with friends and family.
Lack of self-care like withdrawing from what you love to do or neglecting your health.
Hoping for change where you think that if you change yourself and your actions, your partner will change for the better as well.
As you can see, toxicity in a relationship can take many forms, including forms of abuse. Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. This can make it hard to recognize, especially if you’ve been in a long-term, toxic relationship. But there’s never an excuse for abusive behavior. You’re unlikely to change your partner’s behavior on your own. The following signs suggest physical or emotional abuse.
If you recognize any of these in your relationship, it’s probably best to walk away:
Diminished self worth where your partner makes you feel like everything you do is wrong - you can’t do anything right.
Chronic stress and anxiety where you spend significant amounts of time worrying about your relationship or your safety and security.
Separation from friends and family when your partner forcefully distances you from your support network.
Interference with work or school like ‘forbidding’ you from working or studying or humiliating you at your workplace/school.
Fear and intimidation where your partner explodes with rage like slamming their fists into walls or won’t let you leave while you are having a fight.
Name-calling and put-downs especially insults that humiliate and belittle you in front of other people.
Financial restrictions where your partner controls all the money that comes in and prevents you from having your access to funds, or puts you on an allowance.
Gaslighting which is a technique that makes you question your own feelings, instincts and sanity.
Threats of self-harm where your partner threatens suicide or self-harm as a form of manipulation and abuse.
Physical violence* where threats and verbal insults escalate to pushing, slapping or hitting you.
* If you or someone you know is experiencing an abusive relationship, you must remember that safety is key, and that abuse is NEVER acceptable or justified, in any situation. Get help. Get safe.
How to Build a Healthy Relationship
If you are looking to see what kind of relationship is right for you, the answer is always a healthy one. No matter whether its been a few dates or you are 30 years into a marriage, you should always seek to grow into a healthy relationship.
What a relationship comes down to is the ability to care about someone else at a deep and meaningful level. A healthy relationship is a genuine, honest compromise to join two lives together. It’s about finding a trusting love that understands each other and the feelings that both of you will have. You will never have the “perfect relationship” because perfect relationships don’t exist. But if you constantly grow, you will always be improving what you have.
The Do’s
Attunement. You ‘get’ each other and resonate with each other hearts and minds. You help other feel truly seen and heard.
Tracking. You mark, note, and weave in everything you know about each other, and regularly communicate that understanding to each other.
Transparency. You don’t hold back thoughts, feelings or intended behaviours - you would rather know the truth, no matter the outcome and work through it together.
Prime Time. Making sure that your relationship is where you rejuvenate, find your inspiration, can be your truest self.
Traumas. Always keeping in mind those fragile experiences of our partner’s, and when they might arise to support and protect them.
Communication. Is vital and is both verbal and nonverbal - never forget that we say is also affected by how we say it.
Mattering. Feeling safe in the relationship, being able to be understood and forgiven.
Focusing on the Positive. Consciously and intentionally reminding each other why you still want to be together despite difficult circumstances.
The Gift of Sanity. Validating and supporting a point of view before offering one that might be different.
Faith in Each Other and the Relationship. The belief that you are blessed to have one another and that your relationship is truly special and unique and this is based on a continued commitment to do whatever is necessary to keep it that way.
The Don’ts
Break Confidentiality. Your partner must know that their vulnerable thoughts and feelings will not be shared without their permission)
Withholding. Routinely holding back on thoughts or feelings that can unexpectedly explode at some future time.
Hitting Below the Belt. When you know enough about each other to understand and acknowledge what you could say or do that it is hurtful to the other.
Loading the Emotional Bases. When either partner feels powerless in a conflict, they may try to strengthen their view by saying things like “my whole family thinks that you…”
Blame. Attacking the other person or putting down the other partner when he or she cannot or doesn’t want to do what the blamer wants.
Chronic Nagging. The continuous repetition of preaching, instructions or directions that the other partner has not asked for and doesn’t want.
Broken Promises. Promises that are continually postponed or broken and then eventually become excuses and lies)
Character Assassinations. When in conflict, angry expressions go from challenges to mean attacks on the core of the partner’s character.
Exploitation. When you know each other’s vulnerabilities are take advantage of them for their own advantage.
Boundary Violations. Any physical or emotional behaviour that makes the other partner feel uncomfortable or threatened.
Relationships are only as healthy as you are.
Before you rush into something hoping to find “the one,” or before you give up on your “less than perfect” relationship now - you need to understand that means getting healthy yourself first.
You need to find completion in yourself first before risking becoming that codependent, toxic, or distant partner. To be independent enough to have the freedom to be yourself without codependence but not so unavailable that you are never there for your partner.
It’s about finding that balance for yourself and then working on that balance together.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
SOURCES:
Psychology Today 6 Signs of a Codependent Relationship
Psychology Today What’s Wrong with Being Independent?
Huffingtonpost.ca How Being Too Self-Reliant Can Destroy Your Relationship
Psychology Today Are You Dominant or Subordinate in Your Romantic Relationship?
Healthline.com A Beginner’s Guide to Open Relationships
Psychology Today Do Open Relationships Work?
Psychology Today 10 Tips to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work
Healtline.com Is Your Relationship Toxic?
Psychology Today The Do’s and Don’t of Great Relationships
