Conflict Resolution in a Relationship
Q&A with a Registered Psychotherapist
No couple is perfect and no couple goes without arguing or having ‘fights’. But what constitutes healthy conflict in a resolution and when does it become something negative?
This week, we interviewed Chris Martin, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support, to get his insight on conflict resolution in a relationship.
Q: What is conflict in a relationship?
A: Conflict in a relationship can be a complicated thing. It can range widely, and can look different depending on the individual and the relationship you are in. At its core, relationship conflict typically arises from a disagreement of opinion, attitudes, or ideologies between two people. Conflict can quickly lead into a gridlocked scenario, which can be seemingly difficult to overcome.
Q: What happens if you have unresolved conflict?
A: If left unresolved, conflict may develop tentacles and branch off into other areas of the relationship, breeding resentment and even eroding other components of a healthy relationship such as respect or open communication. Sometimes life is hard, with its own variety of stressors and challenges that are unique to an individual. We do not try to antagonize our partner, or the very least, many don’t want to induce conflict with their partner if it is not absolutely necessary. There is a variety of factors that can spurn conflict into existence in a relationship. More often then not, when faced with stress, couples argue because they are unable to understand their partners perspective on an issue. They may see their partners opinion as wrong, but fail to think about what is influencing their partner to form this opinion. It is easy for us to quickly make judgements in the heat of the moment, as well as discredit our partners decisions.
Likewise, much conflict can arise from one or both parties engaging in avoidance behaviors and personalizing the conflict. In terms of engaging in avoidance behaviors, what I mean by this is those scenarios when a partner continuously refuses to acknowledge that their partner has a problem they need to resolve with them. The avoidant partner will not be receptive to their significant other’s issue and will go to great lengths to avoid talking about it. This could look different for everyone; however, avoidant behaviors can be detrimental to relationships if conflict continues to go unresolved. Personalizing conflict, on the other hand, refers to an individual continuously taking the conflict personally, seeing the conflict as an attack on them and their own lack of ability or stupidity. This mindset will prevent conflict from being resolved.
There could be continual unresolved prior issues that are informing the current conflict. We all know about this – our partner does something that we do not like, and we don’t say something in the moment to avoid disagreement. However, this prior issue may arise with greater fortitude when conflict with your partner is unavoidable. Ruminating on your partners negative qualities in this sense often leads to an explosion of accusation when arguments occur. In this instance, the conflict is made even worse because of rumination and lack of communication about the previous issue.
Q: What is conflict resolution in a relationship? Is there a bad way to resolve conflict and a good way?
A: Conflict resolution can be a difficult proposition depending on the health of a relationship. However, its crucial to keep in mind that disagreements with your romantic partner is natural and an organic development within even the healthiest of relationships. If conflict is resolved correctly, it may actually be a beneficial experience in a intimate partnership.
A bad way to resolve conflict would be to state something you think your partner wants to hear in order to resolve the conflict, even though you know that you are not acting authentically. This may provide a gateway to have further conflict down the line. Like I mentioned previously, it can quickly build into resentment, which is likely to resurface in future unavoidable conflicts.
Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing in all situations. And more importantly, the way in which an argument is resolved can be a pivotal turning point towards better communication and overall relationship happiness. To, resolve conflict in a beneficial way, partners have to listen to each other, but also understand what their partner is trying to communicate. Be transparent with what you are trying to communicate to them. Be aware of your own emotions and reactions to what they are saying. Are you overreacting? Are they? How can you ensure that this overreaction can be avoided in the future? Be aware of your environment, and the pressures you and your partner both have on each other.
Q: What skills are helpful in conflict resolution?
A: One of the most beneficial skills to deal with conflict is to recognize when you need to step back. Becoming aware of your own triggers and having the fortitude to step away and come back in a better frame of mind can ensure that conflict does not escalate into a bigger issue then needed. This is different then avoidance behaviors. Taking a physical and mental “time out” from a problem with your spouse in order to re-examine your thoughts and feelings can ensure that you are able to confront the conflict in a steadier state of mind. To ensure that your partner doesn’t feel like you are avoiding them or the problem, communicate to them that you would like some time to think about the issue by yourself, but you are open to talking about it at a later time. Let them know that you believe the issue is important, and that is why you may need time to examine it further before resolving it. This can be especially helpful when arguments are long and do not seem to have an ending in sight.
Q: What are the implications of ongoing conflict in a relationship?
A: In the worst-case scenario, it could result in the demise of the relationship. Ongoing conflict can cultivate a toxic dynamic within the relationship and produce a cycle whereby it may appear that there is a perpetual state or conflict that is seemingly escapable. The relationship itself soon becomes a source of stress, regardless of the conflict and where it arose from. Stress in relationships could impact an individual’s mental health, and increases the chance of developing larger mental issues, such as depression, anxiety, and substance use. If children are present, it could create and expose them to potential trauma. If continuously exposed to disputes, children will develop an unhealthy model of what relationships are supposed to look like.
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor or therapist can do to help?
A: Counselling, done both individually and with a partner present (couples counselling) encourages individuals to self reflect on not only their own conflict styles, but also any historic factors that may have contributed to their approach to conflict. For example, if an individual had been exposed to unhealthy conflict in childhood, it may influence and normalize how that individual approaches conflict in their current relationships.
In therapy, we will try to unpack the impacts of certain approaches to conflict on both yourself and your partner. This could be in terms of how you communicate and how you perceive yourself and your role in the relationship. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk about these things individually, and then later cross over into couples counselling.
A therapist or counsellor will also encourage focus on communication styles, and the importance of emotional regulation, self-awareness, and intent. Intent is always a significant aspect that cannot be ignored when couples come into counselling. You need to ask yourself a some questions before you enter counselling– What are you trying to achieve? Are you just trying to win the argument? Are you coming to appease your spouse, but you are not really that interested? Are you open to changing your perspective? What do you want your relationship to look like?
Q: What type of professional advice / tips can you offer?
A: Some things to remember when in conflict with your partner:
Focus on how to deal with your own choices and actions, as we cannot control or dictate our partners.
Learn to recognize your own warning signs and triggers.
Cultivate a figurative toolbox of tools and strategies designed to assist and reduce barriers to healthy conflict.
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: There is one thing I like to remind people of when they are unsure about if they should come to counselling: It can be too late, but it can never be too early. Even the healthiest relationships may require focus and maintenance. This can only be achieved via healthy open communication, and a shared goal to continue to strive for a healthier relationship. Do not just assume that you must get therapy when something wrong is happening. Relationships always have the opportunity to get better.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
