Healthy Intimacy in a Relationship
Q&A with a Registered Psychotherapist
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Healthy intimacy can lead to a deeper connection based on trust and respect… but what happens if red flags appear in your relationship?
This week, we interviewed Chris Martin, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support, to get his insight on healthy intimacy in a relationship.
Q: What is intimacy? Is intimacy only about sex?
A: No, intimacy is not just about sex. Sex or physical interaction of a sexual nature is simply one part of a healthy relationship. Intimacy itself can evolve and change throughout the course of a relationship. The level of intimacy that you had at the beginning of a romantic relationship could look a lot different five, ten, or fifteen-years in. Building off this, the intimacy that you have does not have to be based solely on sexual or physical interactions. It is difficult to label intimacy as one “thing” or action. Intimate relationships survive and develop from the partners own definition of intimacy that they create and foster together. For example, intimacy could be discussing a personal topic with your partner, or a gesture they do for you.
Q: What is healthy intimacy?
A: I believe that one of the most pivotal areas that needs to be addressed in order to achieve healthy intimacy in a romantic relationship is consent. Consent in relation to being intimate with a partner must always be present, and true intimacy can only be achieved without coercion. Sex and sexual acts can quickly become a mode of currency in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.
Consensual activities are respected when individuals set healthy boundaries and value those boundaries. The only way that boundaries can be established is by having an open and free dialogue between individuals in a relationship. Sex may often be thought of as a “taboo” topic, but in your intimate partnership, it is a pivotal focus of conversation.
Q: What are examples of healthy intimacy vs unhealthy intimacy?
A: Here’s a couple of things that come to my mind when I think of health vs. unhealthy intimacy:
Healthy intimacy is…
Consensual
Has no ulterior motives.
Strengthens the bond between individuals in a relationship.
Opens the door for other important traits like respect, communication, and trust.
Unhealthy intimacy is…
Unwanted
Uncomfortable
Rooted in manipulation.
Q: What types of challenges/disorders may arise with unhealthy intimacy?
A: When intimacy between two people is unhealthy, it can quickly create uneven power dynamics between partners. One partner may use intimacy to manipulate their partner into doing certain things that they don’t want to do. In a situation like this, intimacy is being framed as a weapon. Some examples include having a partner criticize your past intimate relationships before them. It could also be when a partner criticizes your sexual performance, or makes sex into an ultimatum – “if you have sex with me, then I’ll…”
In situations such as this, partners may follow this string of thought while involving any possible children: “If you don’t have sex with me, then I wont take [child’s name] to…”
I am sure you can fill in the blanks. The fact of the matter is: using sex as a currency is never acceptable.
Q: What are the implications of these issues?
A: Unhealthy intimate patterns like the ones we just discussed can often lead to the breakdown of a relationship. They will quickly create a negative feedback loop, opening the door to other negative, disrespectful, or coercive behaviors. Children who view these actions between parental figures are at risk of increased anxiety, depression, and replicating the negative behaviors in their own future relationships.
In extreme cases involving a lack of consent, the authorities will likely become involved.
Q: Are there warning signs to look for?
A: Of course! In addition to the behaviors I’ve mentioned previously, here’s some things to keep in mind in any intimate relationship:
Do you talk to your partner about sex, and your sexual relations in particular? Have you ever talked about sex to your partner?
Do you form assumptions about your partners attitude based on your intimate encounters?
Do you know your partners perspective about your relationship (both emotionally and physically)?
Does intimacy only occur between you and your partner after a fight?
Do you and your partner both respect and adhere to each other’s boundaries? Have you even discussed boundaries before?
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor, or therapist can do to help?
A: If the questions that I asked before made you uncertain, it may be time to normalize a conversation about healthy communication with your partner. A therapist can help you to do this. As a Psychotherapist, I can help couples to establish those healthy boundaries I mentioned before, as well as explore the historical factors that may be detrimentally affecting your relationship. I will do this and more, while continuously assuring that the focus is rooted in respect and mutual cooperation.
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: I say this many times, but it never gets old: do not wait for a problem to present itself before reaching out for help. Help is available! Relationships and intimacy should never be considered a “taboo” or “hush-hush” topic. It is essential to maintaining a relationship. If you do not have any open and fluid dialogue between your partner about intimacy, it may be the right choice to seek help.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
