Notions of Love vs Respect in an Intimate Relationship
Q&A with a Registered Psychotherapist
What’s most important in a relationship?
This week, we interviewed Chris Martin, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support, to talk about notions of love and respect in an intimate relationship.
Q: What is more important in a relationship? Love or respect?
A: There is only one way that I can respond to this respectfully – respect is required in relationships, no matter what. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “respect” as the act of recognizing the worth of a person or thing. It is synonymous with other words such as “esteem” and “admiration.” Respect and the behaviors that come along with respecting a partner can act as a temperature gauge for the health of a relationship. For example, how you behave towards your partner while in an argument or disagreement is determined by the level of respect you have towards them. If respect is absent, the language we use in arguments become harsher in tone. This can be an indication that respect is fractured and may need to be attended to.
Some may argue that love is not required for a healthy relationship, but there is no doubt in my mind that respect is required. A foundation of respect in a relationship provides the first step towards developing other important traits that contribute to the longevity of a relationship, such as honesty, trust, loyalty, and commitment.
Here is a quick way to look at it…
(love) – (respect) = unhealthy relationship
(love) + (respect) = healthy relationship
The key takeaway here is that respect is always necessary.
Q: How do you show respect in a relationship?
A: Showing your partner respect in a relationship is based in our behaviors towards them. How do you treat your partner? Are you giving them the respect that they deserve? If you are worried about whether you are respecting your partner to the best of your ability (or if they are respecting you), it can be helpful to examine the following things:
How you/they listen to concerns or interests that a partner brings up.
What kind of language is used to communicate between partners.
How intimacy is engaged in (you can read more about intimacy in my Q&A from last week).
Your/their expectations of the relationships – are they realistic?
Consideration towards a partner’s needs and wants.
Q: What are other things that are important in an intimate relationship?
A: I mentioned some of this briefly before, but there are a variety of traits that are important in an intimate relationship. However, it is imperative for me to note that even though I may list off traits that are important, the degree to which a trait plays a role in a relationship is very situation specific. Some relationships may be held together by companionate love (intimacy & commitment based), others by fatuous love (passion & commitment based), and others by romantic love (passion & intimacy based).
Every relationship will look different, and needs are unique to an individual. Some couples may prefer to have shared interest, alone time, and common goals. Others will not.
I will say, however, that it is crucial to be aware of the traits that make your relationship what it is.
Q: How do I know if I am in a respectful relationship? Are there warning signs to look for?
A: Dwindling respect can surface in subtle ways, that you may not be in-tune to at the outset. These warning signs can appear in seemingly trivial changes in behavior. This could include having your partner become increasingly dismissive, disinterested, and inconsiderate towards you. There could also be a change of routine that arises. For example, your partner could start coming home late consecutively every night. When you ask them to let you know when they expect to be home (through text or a phone call), they may choose to ignore this and continue to engage in this behavior. When you approach them about the subject, they are dismissive and refuse to take accountability for their actions.
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor or therapist can do to help?
A: As a Psychotherapist, I can help to assist couples to address these issues of respect, acting as a facilitator for any disputes or problems that may arise. Together with couples, we can work through these problems together, to ensure that both partners feel heard and appreciated. I provide couples with tools and strategies that they can use in their day-to-day life to support their partner, themselves, and any children that may be present.
Q: What type of advice / tips can you offer?
A: I would recommend all couples to re-evaluate how their relationship is progressing. Relationships can always improve. As a couple, its vital to discus what you both require to thrive together. If you can, try to evaluate areas that need further work, while also acknowledging the good aspects that hold you together.
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: If you believe that respect is dwindling within your relationship, and that you are unable to see “eye-to-eye” with your partner, it can be beneficial to acquire some outside help. It may seem a bit intimidating to engage in counselling for the first time, but once you find a therapist who can support you, it can be like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. I would recommend counselling to any couple that is struggling with any of the aspects that we talked about throughout this Q&A. Like I mentioned, respect is the pillar of a healthy relationship – it is vital to attend to the structural integrity of this pillar so that it supports you and your partner in the best way possible.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
