21st Century Bullying and How It Impacts Our Kids’ Mental Health
Q&A with a Registered Social Worker
We’re talking to our Peachey Counselling and Family Support team member, Registered Social Worker, Kate Brockbank, about 21st century bullying and how it impacts our kids’ mental health.
Q: What is bullying and how has it changed throughout the years?
A: Bullying is when someone uses their power and social position to oppress, belittle, and harass another to make them feel less powerful. Bullying can arise in many ways, from physical to verbal, social to cyber bullying. With the increase in social media, bullying has taken on another face that was quite unexpected, but nonetheless, just as damaging. With the progress of technology, bullying has quickly changed from physical bullying (fights at school) to social/cyberbullying (happening on social media or technology). Oftentimes, this bullying is happening over the same topics like race, gender, physical appearance, SES etc.. However, just because bullying is happening online does not make it any less impactful. Getting physically hit caused children to bear the physical burden on their bodies. Now, individuals hold the burden of bullying in a completely different way – a way that is a lot less easy to detect.
Sometimes it can be strange to wrap your head around the idea of cyberbullying. It almost seems like not a big deal. Cyberbullying is more verbally based – there are lots of ways that people can be excluded, such as being excluded from group chats, comments on posts, and virtual harassment through direct messaging. Because new generations are on social media at an earlier age, there is a greater sexualization of people at younger ages. This can lead to its own set of problems, impacting young people in catastrophic ways. Girls and boys learn what is important about the opposite gender from social media. They also understand how to value themselves and what is valuable based on what popular media influencers do. For example, some popular figures in young media are Jake Paul and David Dobrik. Both these influencers have platforms that are built off content displaying them bullying or making fun of their friends as a form of comedy. Constantly consuming this type of media can influence a young person’s standard of behavior. They may not know what is right and wrong when viewing this media online.
Q: What types of challenges/disorders may arise?
A: We have often heard about the adverse effects that bullying can have on individuals. Young children who get bullied at school can grow up to suffer from anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, or anger issues. Likewise, children who bully others can grow up to become adult bullies, consistently living with their pain and hurt by taking it out on others.
Being bullied, or bullying others, can stem from a variety of feelings. Typically, these behaviors stem from a deep-rooted fear of not being liked or accepted, and a fear of rejection. Failing to address these issues can lead to lifelong negative consequences.
Q: What are the implications of these issues?
A: The main thing about suffering the adverse effects of bullying is that it is very hard to escape from these environments. Oftentimes people who have gotten bullied when they were young continue to accept bullying behaviors from others as they age. In a sense, they recreate their negative environments as they get older, albeit unintentionally.
These behaviours can impact their home life, their working life, the partner that they choose, and how they raise a child. If you experience chronic bullying your whole life, it can also affect your core values about yourself, surfacing in self-doubt and self-deprecating thoughts that can quickly become insurmountable. You ight not think that anything you do is enough.
Q: What if parents do no know their kids are being bullied? Are there warning signs to look for? What should loved ones or parents be aware of?
A: Having an open dialogue with your children is one of the best ways to determine if your child is being bullied. However, in saying that, how your child reacts to being bullied may surface in different ways depending on your child. It is beneficial if you can know how your child reacts to other stressors in life, and be aware of these behaviors if you suspect if may come from bullying. If you think that they are getting bullied, have a conversation with them. Come from a place of empathy, and let them know that you are supportive no matter what they tell you. You can even be a model for your child – by opening up about your own experiences when you were younger, they can learn to relate better to you, and feel less like the odd one out. Bullying in general can make a child feel very isolated, leading them to believe that they are the only one who is experiencing these feelings. Letting your child know that they are not alone in this experience can make all the difference. You can end the conversation with a note of hope – reinforce to your child that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Q: How can parents approach the topic of bullying with their child in a sage and supportive way?
A: If you are afraid to have this kind of conversation, remember that your child needs validation and support. To approach the topic in an organic way, you can begin by talking or showing them something they’re interested in – if there is an example bullying in a TV show or movie then you can use that as an opening to discuss the topic. Likewise, children may bring up other people’s experiences as a way of gaining knowledge about their own experience– take note of these moments, and perhaps take them as an opportunity to delve deeper into why they are asking these things.
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor or therapist can do to help?
A: If you are being bullied (as an adult, or you suspect your child is), talking to a therapist can be extremely valuable in learning that you do not deserve this kind of treatment. If you are the kind of person who suppresses these feelings, you might not be able to identify bullying behavior. Speaking with therapist can free you of your anxiety about these experiences or relationships. Therapist can help you to investigate how the bullying has impacted your behaviors, as well as ways how to minimize exposure.
As a victim of bullying, you may experience feelings of anger – this is a normal response. Therapist can assist in developing methods for how we can accept these things and improve our situations in the future.
Q: What type of professional advice/tips can be offered to help parents and children?
A: Some tips that I think are important for parents to keep in mind as their child ages and encounters individuals classified as “bullies”:
Start the conversation about bullying early on with your child.
Opening a safe dialogue between you and your child about their experiences and emotions can help to ensure your child does not feel isolated in their experiences.
Finding ways to check in around these things that are more emotional then informational.
For example, when you ask your child how their day was and they list the things that they did, do not just take it at face value and assume that everything is fine. Delve deeper. Ask them how it made them feel, why they acted the way they did, and ask how an event affected them emotionally.
Be consistent with this kind of language.
People may underestimate their child's ability to emotionally connect because they may not willingly volunteer information about their emotions. Your child may need a bit more prodding to get them to open up about their feelings.
Model the behavior you want to see in your child in yourself.
If you want your child to open up about their emotions, you can open up to them about yours (within reason). Let them know that talking about your feelings is okay because they see you doing it as well.
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: Bullying in general is a huge red flag. If you’re a parent or friend, you might not be the best person to fully support your child. If you feel like you are not enough for your child in order for them to feel supported, there is nothing wrong with outsourcing support for your child in the form of a therapist. Encouraging them to go to therapy and talk about what they are experiencing can be extremely beneficial. Remember that bullying can produce life-long ramifications in your child’s mental health. You do not have to have every solution for your child, but that doesn’t mean that help isn’t available and that your child has to go through these experiences alone.
If you’re feeling these kinds of emotions, it could be that bullying is the CAUSE.
Doesn’t have to be super apparent to be bullying.
Parents face so much judgment for not being the best, but sometimes the parents are going through a lot of stuff as well.
“outsourcing” - its ok for parents to not be everything for your parents – they are not lacking because they weren’t everything for their child.
If you are struggling, please know you are not alone.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
