The Holiday Mental Load: How Women Can Reclaim Joy This Season
“You can do anything, but not everything.”
UNKNOWN
The holidays are often described as "the most wonderful time of the year," but if we’re being honest, for most women - moms in particular - they’re also the most exhausting. Between decorating the house, finding the perfect gifts, coordinating family gatherings, and ensuring everyone’s favorite holiday traditions are upheld, we as women often feel like we are carrying the weight of creating "Holiday magic" for everyone else.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Let’s dive into what this mental load looks like, how it impacts us, and how we can take steps to reclaim joy during the season.
The Holiday Mental Load Defined
Mental load refers to the invisible labor involved in managing a household and ensuring things run smoothly. During the holidays, this load often becomes even heavier. For most of us, it may look something like this:
Planning and organizing: Making endless gift lists, figuring out how to schedule visits with both sides of the family without offending anyone, and sending holiday cards.
Emotional labor: Making sure everyone—from the kids to my in-laws—feels included, happy, and taken care of. Sometimes, this means baking cookies from scratch because "store-bought just isn’t the same."
Execution: Shopping, decorating, cooking, wrapping gifts, and showing up at events looking cheerful, even when you’re running on fumes.
It’s a lot. And because so much of it happens behind the scenes, it’s easy for others to overlook just how much work goes into it.
Why Women Shoulder the Load
Let’s be real: society hasn’t made it easy to share the burden. Growing up, we watched our moms do it all—hosting the perfect dinners, orchestrating beautiful traditions, and never letting on how tired she must have been. Now, we find ourselves doing the same. Even in households where responsibilities are shared, women often take on the "manager" role, keeping track of details like who needs what gift or which dish Aunt Sue will complain about if it’s missing.
The pressure doesn’t just come from family. Social media is full of picture-perfect homes, color-coordinated decorations, and elaborate gingerbread houses. It’s easy to feel like you’re falling short if your reality looks more like mismatched ornaments and store-bought cookies. Especially when not everyone’s budget can accommodate the latest (and most expensive) gifts on your kids’ wish lists.
The Negative Impact of the Holiday Mental Load
Taking on so much can leave us feeling:
Overwhelmed: We’ve all had moments when our to-do list felt so long, we wanted to cry instead of decorate the tree.
Exhausted: The late nights wrapping presents and early mornings making breakfasts can wear you down.
Unappreciated: It’s frustrating when no one notices how much effort goes into making the holidays special.
Disconnected: In focusing so much on everyone else, we’ve realized we sometimes forget to enjoy the season ourselves.
How We Can Lighten the Load
Here are some strategies to make the holidays less stressful. They’re not foolproof—old habits die hard—but they can help.
1. Delegate, Delegate, Delegate
This one is tough for most of us. But ask your partner to handle outdoor decorations or let the kids help with wrapping (even if the results are a little messy). Coordinate with family members so you can share the load for cooking and entertaining - whether that’s bringing prepared dishes to the family meal - or taking turns hosting. It’s not about perfection; it’s about sharing the work.
2. Set Boundaries
It’s okay to say no to preparing a big holiday dinner for 20 people. It’s okay to set a budget with family and friends when exchanging gifts. It’s okay to not bake cookies from scratch for the school bake sale or stay late at the office holiday party. It’s okay to say no to things that don’t serve you. Instead, try keeping things small and intimate, and it can honestly be one of the best holidays you’ve had.
3. Simplify Traditions
When you realize that baking five types of cookies aren’t bringing you joy (or anyone else, really), cut it down to one or two family favorites. Or, if you are exhausted by having to find new ways for the “Elf on the Shelf” to surprise your kids… bring out the Elf later in the season, so you only have to do a week of poses instead of a month. Turns out, no one missed the extras.
4. Communicate Your Needs
This one’s a work in progress for most people. It’s important to start telling your family when you’re feeling overwhelmed and asking for specific help. It’s amazing how willing others are to pitch in when we actually speak up!
5. Make Time for Yourself
Whether it’s sneaking away to read a book or taking a walk to admire the lights in the neighborhood, carving out small moments for yourself makes a big difference. If you need some time at home - try this little trick - make a sign that says you are wrapping presents. Place on the door of the room of your choosing. Grab your fav beverage, and a small piece of wrapping paper. Close the door and if you hear anyone approaching simply crumple the paper and say - wrapping presents - while you enjoy your private time.
6. Let Go of Perfection
Here’s some important reminders about the holidays… you don’t need matching pajamas to be happy. A holiday movie does not have to be on a 72” TV. Colour coordinated decorations mean nothing to children. The number of presents under the tree is not a reflection of you as a parent. Children want our presence - more than presents and they will grow up and remember our laughter and our love the most.
“The truth is our ‘Great Holiday To Do List’ is a monster that nobody, not even Martha Stewart herself, could complete without a staff of helpers.”
REBECCA COFINO
A Final Thought
The holidays don’t have to feel like a marathon. By sharing the mental load, setting realistic expectations, and making time for ourselves, we can find more joy in the season. And remember: your family doesn’t need perfection; they need you—present, happy, and maybe even a little less stressed.
So this year, let’s ditch the pressure and focus on what really matters: the laughter, the love, and maybe even a few crooked ornaments on the tree. Cheers to a holiday season that feels a little lighter and a lot more joyful.
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