Top 10 Ways to Survive the Holidays with Family
Let’s get real. Most holiday gatherings - whether they are with colleagues, friends or family - can feel a bit (or a lot) like a battlefield.
But there’s something unique about family-get-togethers that can leave us anxious, overwhelmed and down-right petrified. That’s because, even though we’ve become used to the small ways our families are “dysfunctional” and accept this as “normal”, it still hurts when we leave a holiday gathering not feeling accepted or loved by the ones closest to us.
The dynamics within a family can be complicated, especially for those born into a family like a spouse, partner, step-child or in-law. Some folks (let’s be honest - in-laws) don’t always treat the people not born into a family with the same level of kindness they show their own blood-relations or even friends. Then there’s the sibling rivalry, the nosy great-aunt, the opinionated and judgemental second-cousin, and the new sister-in-law who seems unable to utter a kind word. We all have our own versions of these family members. And, for some of us, we have relatives in our lives who add nothing but negativity. Their toxicity affects us to the point that these gatherings have become so painful that we end up hating the holidays.
Whatever holidays are part of your tradition, and whatever family you may have, here are our top 10 tips to navigate the holidays with less drama and more peace…
1.It’s okay to say no.
Just because someone is “family” doesn’t mean you have to tolerate lies, chaos, drama, manipulation and respect.
The first step to a harmonious holiday season is recognizing your own limits. If you know that your buttons are going to be pushed – or you are already having nightmares involving that one person – consider staying home. It's okay to decline invitations or opt-out of certain events that may contribute to your stress and anxiety. Prioritize your mental well-being and set boundaries that allow you to enjoy the holidays on your terms.
You deserve to have a happy, loving holiday, even if it’s just you and your spouse (or you alone!).
2. Prepare thyself.
Before you go, mentally prepare yourself.
If you do decide to say ‘yes’, anticipate the potential challenges of your special dynamics. Understanding that not every interaction will be smooth, can help you to approach situations with a level head. Be ready for that awkward conversation with Aunt Betty about when you’re gonna have kids. Be ready for the backhanded compliments from your sister and the side eye from your ever annoying brother-in-law.
Equip yourself with the coping mechanisms you need to navigate through these potential (and likely) scenarios. You can also talk about your concerns with your partner or a trusted friend. If they are attending with you, arrange some sort of signal if you need to be “rescued.” Or, just excuse yourself and take a brief break in the bathroom or a quick walk around the block.
It’s also important to go into things making sure you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. Whether it’s a favourite or special outfit or getting your nails done, sometimes putting on our exterior shield can help us feel safer.
3. Temper your expectations.
Our expectations can often be a source of disappointment.
There’s something about the holidays and family that - despite our previous experiences - spark hope. The hope that this year, things will be different. This year, the holidays will not be filled with drama and trauma. This year, the holidays will be “perfect”.
However, every year the same disappointment sets in. Nothing really changes or it becomes even more stressful.
The truth is, things will never be perfect and not everyone is going to like you. Instead of hoping for a picture-perfect family gathering, acknowledge and accept the imperfections. Adjust your expectations to align with reality, allowing room for a more realistic and less stressful experience.
4. Let it go…
When you make the decision to accept the situation as it is, you can release a heck of a lot of stress.
Practice the art of letting go. Holding onto past grievances or expecting family members to change during the holidays leads to unnecessary stress and inevitable disappointment. Accept that nothing you do or say is likely to change that person’s beliefs about you, and move on. Stop trying to bend over backward to change someone’s opinion.
Embrace the imperfections, forgive where necessary, and focus on creating positive moments rather than dwelling on the negative. This will allow you to enjoy the holiday gatherings with more peace in your own heart
5. Play nice.
In the spirit of the season, choose kindness over conflict.
Though you can’t expect others to change, there’s always a chance! (Now, don’t hold your breath, but you never know.) Whether it's dealing with in-laws, siblings, or distant relatives, approach interactions with a positive attitude. Small acts of kindness can go a long way in diffusing tension and fostering a more pleasant atmosphere.
Even when someone regularly dishes out a side of nastiness, remind yourself how incredibly horrible it must feel to be inside their own head. This isn’t about being mean; it’s about knowing that most people’s inner critic is much harsher than anything they say to others. This is not about rewarding poor behavior, but more about treating someone with the kindness they are unable to offer themselves. It’s a win for karma, even if it is challenging.
6. It’s not about you.
Shift the focus from yourself to the collective joy of the season.
Remember that everyone has their struggles and challenges, and sometimes their behaviors are not personal. By recognizing that others may be dealing with their own issues, you can approach interactions with empathy and understanding.
For example, many of the back-handed compliments and snarky comments at the dinner table come from the belief that ‘your life is so much easier or better’ than the lives of others… you know, the “must be nice” kind of comments. Your grass just seems much greener than their own. But we all know how comparisons are looking at the outside results of someone else’s life doesn’t show us the real story or the hard work behind our successes.
Similarly, barbs and slights, and even being ignored may feel personal, but just remind yourself… “it’s not about me.” Insecurities and fears make many people do less-than-nice things. You simply trigger a negative response from them because of their past interactions with other people or how they feel about themselves. Often this passive-aggressive behavior (or aggressive behavior) stems from that person feeling threatened by you. Saying and doing mean things allows them to feel as if they are in control. It’s about the perception of power. It’s not about you.
7. If you’ve got nothing nice to say…
Following the timeless advice from childhood, if you don't have anything positive to contribute, it might be best to say nothing at all.
When someone says something rude or hateful, it’s tempting to want to zing ‘em right back. Though it’s easier said than done, avoid the unnecessary conflict by choosing your words wisely and trying to maintain a positive conversational tone.
Instead, turn to the person next to you and start a new conversation, or take an empty plate to the kitchen. Excuse yourself and go outside and get a breath of fresh air. Don’t react. Don’t snap back. Stay calm. Handle the situation with as much grace as you possibly can.
8. Know when to take a stand.
While trying to keep the peace is ideal, there are times when it’s important to stand your ground.
Identify your values and establish boundaries. Maintaining your self-respect and preventing others from crossing lines that lead to discomfort, comes from knowing when (and why) to assert yourself. Even if you are a very non-confrontational person, sometimes you have to draw the line. Take a deep breath, make eye contact, and very gently say something along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way, would you like to tell me why you would think that?”
This isn’t about being snarky or hateful; it’s the opportunity to open up some dialogue without the drama. Because you are not a doormat.
9. Make time to connect with others… or yourself.
Family doesn’t have to mean only ‘relatives’ and the holidays can be whatever YOU want.
Diversify your holiday experience by connecting with your closest friends or chosen family members. Spending time with those who bring positivity into your life can balance out challenging family interactions and provide a support system during the festive season.
And, for some of us, who prefer the holidays to be alone or relax… do that! There is no ‘correct’ way to celebrate the holidays. If you have the opportunity to spend some quality time with yourself - doing whatever brings you joy - don’t feel obligated to do the holidays the ‘traditional way’.
10. Get support if you need it.
If just the idea of a family gathering becomes overwhelming, seek support.
Whether it's talking to a friend, your partner or a professional, having an outlet for expressing your feelings can make a significant difference in how you navigate the holidays.
The tips mentioned here are about identifying and controlling your own thoughts and behaviour - instead of trying to control anyone else. And, this can be difficult based on your past or unique circumstances. Especially if you’re coming from a “toxic” family where abuse or trauma is part of your experience and a part of what triggers a negative response in you now. In the end, the best way to survive family gatherings (regardless of the season) is by learning to control your own triggers and developing a more positive mindset. In this regard, seeking support from a mental health professional may be a helpful option.
You have the power to shape your holiday experience.
Surviving family gatherings during the holidays requires a combination of self-awareness, empathy, and strategic decision-making. By implementing these top 10 tips, you can transform the battlefield into a more peaceful and enjoyable celebration, fostering positive connections and preserving your mental well-being.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And sometimes, love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
