How to Talk to Your Tweens and Teens About Their Mental Health

YOUTHFAMILYPARENTING
Written By Peachey Counselling

How to give your child the support they need…

With the expansion of the virtual world, quality face-to-face time that used to exist between parents and children has slowly declined. This lack of connection can create problems, and for our teens and tweens, it can sometimes mean they are no longer turning to their parents or other trusted adults for help. Many mental health problems start during these teen years, but unfortunately, many don’t receive the support they need immediately. However, those who can connect with a caring adult for help not only feel better, they do better as well.

Technology can’t take all the blame.

Just a few years ago, doing “nothing” was considered a way to relax and recover. But now? We see doing nothing as being unproductive and lazy. We expect ourselves and our kids always to be engaged with one thing or another - school, sports, homework, extracurricular activities, chores…the list goes on. This can leave them both emotionally drained and physically exhausted. In addition, teaching them to learn how to perform from a young age can eventually lead to feelings of ‘not being good enough.’

This is only one of the many difficulties our teens and tweens could face. It can sometimes be difficult for our kids to discuss their stress openly! Maybe they’re struggling with school and are scared they will upset their parents. What if they’re being bullied? It’s easy to overlook some of the youngest members of society and think, ‘Why could they possibly be stressed?’

However, as of 2021, the World Health Organization has found that on a global scale, “one in seven 10-19-year-olds experiences a mental disorder, accounting for 13% of the global burden of disease in this age group.” The reason for this can range from adversity, quality of home life, pressure to conform, violence and bullying, and even harsh parenting; the more risk factors an individual is exposed to can affect their mental health significantly.

One aspect that is difficult with youth and mental health is noticing and identifying that they require support. Have you noticed that something just feels off, but you don’t know why? Is your child acting differently compared to their peers?

 

What to watch out for…

Here’s list of warning signs/symptoms to be aware of:

●     A decline in school performance and attendance

●     Feelings of worry or anxiety often

●     Feelings of depression, sadness or irritability, or, on the flip side, unusually high moods or racing thoughts or ideas

●     Feeling empty, hopeless or worthless

●     Excessive anger

●     Self-harm behaviours (e.g., cutting)

●     Sensitivity to sight, smell, sound or touch

●     Loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy

●     Changes in sleep or energy levels

●     Difficulty concentrating, thinking or memory recall

●     Overeating or loss of appetite

You should seek help immediately if your teen/tween is:

●     Having thoughts or making plans of suicide or hurting themselves or another individual

●     Hearing or seeing things that no one else can

●     Being overly suspicious or fearful

●     Displaying a sudden and drastic decline in school performance

●     Having sudden personality changes that are out of character

 

It’s essential to consider the symptoms your teen/tween is experiencing, how long they have been going on, when they are the worst, and if they follow a pattern.

Identify if there is a triggering event, and create a safe space for your child to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Mental health-related problems usually last more than 1-3 days, so if your child has been “off” for weeks, that is a clear sign that they need professional help.

 

How can you help your teen/tween?

Giving them your time and a space for them to open up can be a great first step in getting them the help they need. But, with that being said, having a conversation about mental health with your teen/tween isn’t the most straightforward task in the world.

That’s why we’ve come up with 15 tips to help you help your child.

  1. Choose an appropriate time and space to have the conversation. Make sure you have enough time to have a proper conversation - you don’t want to rush them. Avoid bringing up the conversation when they’re distressed, as this would only cause them more stress. You might also want to consider doing an activity while you bring up the topic. Sometimes an activity that requires little to no eye contact can make them feel more comfortable, such as going for a drive, baking, or doing yoga.

  2. Tell them what you’ve noticed. Then, in a non-judgmental way, tell them how you’ve noticed they’re not hanging out with their friends anymore, don’t enjoy the same activities as they used to, or that their mood is starting to change.

  3. Give them space. It’s okay if they’re not ready to have this conversation with you. And if they prefer to talk to another trusted adult, that’s okay too. Remind them that you’ll be there for them whenever they decide to have the conversation.

  4. Ask gentle questions. “Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” or “how can I support you through this” can be a great way to let them know you’re listening and that you care. Try to ask open-ended questions and be genuine when you ask. If they have difficulty formulating their thoughts, try to get them to rate their feelings on a simple scale from 1-10.

  5. Listen to them - WITHOUT judgment. Don’t push them for answers; let them speak at their own pace. Be mindful of your language when responding - don’t call them crazy, make excuses for them, or get upset. How you respond plays a big role in if they will choose to confide in you again. Assure them that you’ll work through whatever it is together.

  6. Validate and normalize their feelings. They’re not the first to feel this way, and they certainly won’t be the last. It’s okay to feel what they’re feeling; the important thing is that they made the right choice to ask for help.

  7. Allow for silence. Putting into words how you’re feeling can be a difficult task. Don’t interrupt silent moments, as they may be using that time to think about what they want to say and how they want to say it.

  8. Take them seriously. Mental health challenges can happen to anyone at any age. Don’t minimize or invalidate their feelings by wondering what they could possibly be upset over because of their age.

  9. Keep things confidential. The last thing your child needs is you venting to your neighbour or even other family members about everything they confided in you with. Respect their privacy and maintain their trust.

  10. Don’t worry about having the answer to their questions right away. Listen to their concerns and then take the time to learn. Ask your family doctor, a mental health professional, or even other parents for support. Seeing your child going through a difficult time is tough, but managing your emotions is also essential, so it doesn’t affect how you’re helping them.

  11. Ask them how you can support them. Who better to ask than your child? They may need to spend more time with you, or they want to see a professional. Whatever the case may be, tell them you’re there to support them however they need.

  12. Consider alternative supports. What other support systems does your child have in place or that you can introduce to them? How about a school counsellor, another family member, or even a helpline? Remind them that how they’re feeling is temporary, but everyone is here to help them get through it.

  13. Prepare to be an advocate. It takes time, effort and patience to find the right mental health treatment. Do your research, ask questions, and, most importantly, give your child a say in the process.

  14. Keep the conversation going. Remember that this isn’t a one-time conversation. Keep asking questions and have the conversation again. Be there for your teen and be interested whenever they want to talk as well.

  15. Show them love. Plan time to spend together, thank them for sharing their feelings and tell them you love them.

 

Where to seek help

●     Mental health helplines and organizations, such as Peachey Counselling and Family Support

●     Other professionals, such as your family doctor or the school counsellor

●     Other families in the community

●     Crisis outreach team

●     Family resource centers and support groups

●     Protection and advocacy groups and organizations

●     Self-help and support groups

Dealing with your teen/tween’s mental health issues can be a daunting task. You might feel disbelief when you first hear that your child is having problems, fear or anxiety as they confide in you, or even guilt thinking about all the ‘what ifs’ and if you could have done something sooner. It’s normal to have these feelings and get sad - no parent wants to see their kid hurting and have life be any more difficult for them than it has to be. When we are honest with them, encourage them, spend time with them, support them, praise their efforts rather than their results, and set realistic expectations, it can help our kids tremendously. Despite the wonders of the virtual world, it can never replace our children’s emotional needs - hugs, eye contact, human touch, and affection.

“Respond to your children with love in their worst moments, their broken moments, their selfish moments, their lonely moments, their frustrated moments, their inconvenient moments because it is in their most unlovable human moments that they most need to feel loved.”

All kids have emotional ups and downs- periods of moodiness, trouble with friends, dips in academic performance. These are normal developmental challenges that may require your child to change perspectives or learn new skills. In most cases, if you offer support, sensitivity and patience, your child can figure it out. But, when things get challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.

Whatever it is, we’re here for you.

Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.

Contact us for a free consultation

Peachey Counselling
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