Top 10 Challenges of the Modern Mom
Modern moms believe they can do it all.
Many moms just don’t have the time or energy to understand why they feel so awful. As a result, they push aside their feelings and do the best they can, day after day, after day. Sound familiar?
Moms everywhere are lonely, exhausted, anxious, depressed, and being pushed to their limits. The added psychological stress of ‘modern’ motherhood in the midst of a pandemic is highlighting why mom mental health is essential and needs to be taken more seriously.
It wasn’t that long ago that women were referred to as ‘crazy’ or ‘hysterical’ when doctors couldn’t identify the ‘issue’ that deviated from expected health ailments. And, unfortunately, it looks like we still have a long way to go.
Many times women are labelled by their ‘mood’ and defined by their symptoms rather than looking at the root cause of why so women continue to experience emotional crises as they navigate motherhood. And while ‘hormones’ are often blamed for the decrease in well-being in women, most of the mental health crises we hear about result from society’s gender expectations and responses to motherhood. Here are the top ten challenges we hear most from busy moms.
Mom Guilt
Guilt. The universal theme of motherhood. Mom guilt starts even before pregnancy! We are inundated with advice on what we should do and not do and during pregnancy that guilt grows worse as friends, family, and the media tell us what kind of mother we are expected to be. Once we have our baby, our own second-guessing and ongoing regret for ‘not being perfect’ eats away at us. We didn’t breastfeed, or make our own organic baby food, or get them into that ‘top’ daycare. Then, as our children grow, we find all new reasons to feel guilty. We either didn’t spend enough time or we spent too much time and that’s why every personality flaw, bad behaviour or negative outcome… is all our fault. But why don’t we ever hear about ‘Dad guilt?’
2. Sleep Deprivation
The ongoing impact of sleep deprivation is dangerous for mental health, contributing to depression, anxiety, stress, panic attacks, and other health problems. Unfortunately, we don’t need any researchers to confirm what we already know. Mothers have gone years with interrupted sleep, and we’re exhausted!
3. Balancing Family and Work
Millions of moms around the world are juggling an overwhelming amount of responsibility. Employers and culture in general, expect women to raise families as if they don’t have careers and work as if they don’t have children. These clashing expectations take a toll, as moms continue to scramble and sacrifice to balance each day leaving too many of us feel stressed out, worn out, and guilty.
4. Always the Primary Caregiver
When the kids get sick, or there is a parent interview, or Nana needs help remembering to take her medication, women perform the majority of unpaid work caring for others. Whether that’s their own children, whoever is sick or elderly parents and family members. Despite the fact that men are fully capable, women still carry the weight and burden of being the primary caregiver.
5. That Darn Glass Ceiling
Balancing family and work is tough enough, but moms who work outside the house often face a number of barriers and down right discrimination when it comes to employment. Not only do women earn less than their male counterparts, but most businesses and organizational cultures are disproportionately led by men and reward men with a clear path to upward mobility. Such discrimination can be subtle and difficult to detect and fight… but mansplaining, a lack of female mentors, being passed over for a promotion, not being considered for an opportunity, because you ‘may, will or have kids’ are obvious reasons why that darn glass ceiling still exists.
6. Violence Against Women
Half of all women in Canada have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16 and 67% of Canadians say they have personally known at least one woman who has experienced physical or sexual abuse. But the most shocking statistic? Approximately every six days, a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner. That’s why on any given night in Canada, 3,491 women and their 2,724 children sleep in shelters because it isn’t safe at home. It’s all too much — especially those of us who’d hoped it would be different for our daughters.
Canadian Women’s Foundation - The Facts about Gender-Based Violence
7. Self-worth and body image
Just because we’re moms, doesn’t mean we aren’t affected by body shaming or other’s expectations. We are bombarded by media highlighting celebrity mom bodies — perfectly glowing, fit and without stretch marks. These images make us feel like failures. How can we not compare ourselves to other moms? Why do some women bounce back unscathed while others gain 60 pounds and zebra-like stretch scars? Unfortunately, all of this comparison can lead to a lack of self-worth, self-loathing, and in extreme cases, eating disorders.
8. Carrying the Mental Load
So how many moms out there can list the 1000 things that need to be done this week, next week or the weeks ahead? When we talk about ‘mental’ load, we’re talking about all those details that moms just ‘take care of.’ Everything from scheduling dentist appointments, to remembering to call Auntie Sue on her birthday, to knowing which one of your kids’ friends has peanut allergies. Moms basically carry all of this information in their head and are typically responsible for making sure that ‘nothing’ gets missed. Unfortunately, all of this internal archiving and maintenance of information becomes taxing. Pretty soon our brains get full and things start to slip… once again fueling stress and guilt.
9. Parenting Solo
If you are a single mom, were raised by a single mom or know one, you know that most single mothers are challenged by sleep deprivation, stigma, conflict with their ex-partner, and financial insecurity. Many single moms rely on multiple minimum wage jobs that keep them just above or below the poverty level — even when they’re working full time. Not surprisingly, poverty and economic hardship are linked to anxiety and depression and many single moms - while doing an unbelievable job - are paying the cost with their mental well-being.
10. Gender Roles and Expectations
Even though the women’s movement has made great strides since the time of our mothers, we still face gender-based discrimination, abuse and unrealistic expectations. Outside of the home, women are routinely paid less than men for the same job, are penalized for taking maternity leave, and are discriminated against just because they have children. Organizations, businesses and culture in general just assumes men are the primary breadwinners and that women are out earning ‘extra’ money.
At home, although male parents are starting to take on more responsibilities that traditionally fall under the ‘mom’ role, the majority of women are still viewed and expected to do all of the ‘female’ duties… taking care of the children, cleaning, laundry, getting groceries, cooking, etc., etc., The harmful effects of these societal gender roles and expectations? Most women suffer in silence - with higher rates of depression, anxiety and exhaustion - being the result.
Mental health is a building block for women empowerment.
Not too long ago women faced a secret depression called the ‘baby blues.’ However, after much research, public awareness campaigns and a shift in thinking, women are now routinely screened for postpartum depression after childbirth. After childbirth? Maternal mental health quickly falls off the radar.
Although mental health professionals try to bring awareness to the realities of mom mental health - we as a society - need to acknowledge and provide support to address the significant social challenges to mental health that moms endure. Unless we do, moms will continue to suffer at higher rates of depression, anxiety, and mental illness.
Imagine a society in which girls and women can access mental health support to help them cope in real time, rather than years after they’ve already suffered its effects. Therapy and support can help reduce mom guilt, show women that they’re not alone, and empower mothers to find ways to cope with life’s challenges in a positive and healthy way.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
SOURCES:
Talkspace Why Mental Health Is A Feminist Issue
The Canadian Women’s Foundation The Facts about Gender-Based Violence
Statistics Canada Maternal Mental Health in Canada
Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Collective Why Canada Needs a Perinatal Mental Health Strategy Now More Than Ever
Women’s College Research Institute Maternal Mental Health
