Understanding Abuse
Q&A with a Registered Social Worker
This week, we spoke to Registered Social Worker Stefanie Peachey about understanding abuse.
Q: What is abuse? What forms can it come in?
A: Abuse can be challenging to define. It comes in many forms from overt abuse, including physical, sexual, and verbal abuse, but it also exists in more covert forms such as intimidation, coercion, and mental abuse. The dynamics of a relationship are important to explore when discussing abuse. Are there power and control dynamics at play? Does one person feel fearful of the other or feel a need to please? Abuse can look very different in various relationships and is very complex in nature.
Q: What are some ways to cope if you are a survivor of abuse?
A: If you've identified that your relationship is abusive and you've been able to safely leave, the effects of abuse can be lasting. Many people can experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which includes reliving events, experiencing nightmares, or feeling unsafe or uneasy in new situations. Developing trust in new relationships is often very challenging for survivors of abuse, and learning how to operate in a healthy relationship are things that should be explored. Often survivors of abuse develop schemas or scripts for how to interact in intimate relationships- they may be overly accommodating or pleasing to ensure that they are not upsetting a new partner.
This is why therapy can be very valuable to survivors. In therapy, they can explore what a healthy relationship is, learn that the abuse they endured was not their fault, and identify the lasting impacts of abuse. It is critical that survivors develop healthy sense of self and value.
Q: Is abuse something that must be reported?
A: Physical and sexual abuse are things that can and should be reported to the police. If the abuse is impacting children- for example, if there is abuse in the home and children are witness to the abuse or are impacted by the effects of abuse, this needs to be reported to both police and the Children's Aid Society. Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse are unfortunately not against the law and police are limited in what they can do. With that said, direct threats and harassment are against the law, and police can intervene. Even if the abuse endured does not equate a crime, help is always available. .
Q: Why don’t people report abuse?
A: Many people do not report abuse to the authorities out of fear of reprisal from their abuser or a fear of not being believed. Our system operates in such a way that many survivors need to have evidence for charges to be pressed and feel that they need to convince police that a crime has occurred. This can be very traumatizing for survivors to share intimate details of their abuse and to feel that they are in a position of needing to convince others that they are telling the truth.
Abuse dynamics often involve a level of secrecy in the relationships, and survivors can often learn to hide the abuse from those close to them. It can be very psychologically challenging for them to come forward and speak out.
Q: Why is gender-based violence more prominent?
A: Male to female abuse is statistically much more common. According to the Government of Canada, in their 2018 police-reported data, women accounted for almost 8 in 10 victims (79%) of intimate partner violence. While our society has come a long way, we continue to live in such a way that women are seen as weaker and more vulnerable. This is coupled with problematic messaging to some men that they are more powerful and need to be the “man of the house.” Language about “manning up” and controlling your partner continues to exist for many, and this toxic masculinity continues to contribute to this problem.
We also know that many people who grow up in households with abuse tend to continue the cycle of violence. Men who witnessed gender-based violence as children are often more likely to be abusive to their future partners. Women who grew up witnessing gender-based violence are often more likely to become victims of abuse themselves. This cycle needs to be broken.
Q: What can be done to prevent this?
A: Education about healthy relationships at an early age is essential in breaking this cycle. Both girls and boys need to learn the value of healthy relationships and strategies to identify unsafe relationships. It is also important to note that poverty and substance use are risk factors for abusive behaviour and need to be addressed in higher-risk communities. However, breaking the cycle can be done. When children observe healthy relationships and healthy households, this can impact them tremendously.
Q: How could one cope with abuse if it was committed by a family member?
A: If you are experiencing abuse, reach out for help right away. There are many community and private agencies that are equipped to support those who are in unsafe situations. Leaving the abusive situation can be incredibly overwhelming and scary but is necessary. Abusive behaviours often escalate over time, so the sooner you can leave, the better.
Q: How can family/friends support a victim of abuse?
A: If you are seeing signs of abuse in those around you, speak up. Those experiencing abuse in their relationships have learned to hide it to survive. It is common for them not to be forthcoming with what they are experiencing out of fear. They may have a false sense of control that has become adaptive to their survival. Let them know that you are concerned but do not judge. Offer support but do not dictate. Be there for them in whatever they need. It can take a long time for someone to leave an unhealthy relationship, and you need to be patient and consistent in supporting them. Offer them a place to stay, a ride to a shelter or counselling, or your ear when they are ready to talk.
Q: When is the best time for someone to seek support or assistance?
A: Support should be sought whenever a person feels ready to reach out. If you feel like your relationship is unhealthy or something feels off, it’s always a good idea to reach out for support. Abuse isn’t black and white, and we often hear people say things like, "it's not like I was hit." Even those experiencing abuse in the less apparent forms may have difficulty identifying it. A professional can help in many ways. It's never too early to ask for support.
Q: What can therapy do for you?
A: Therapy provides a safe space, where you can say anything in a judgement-free area. This is a huge value, especially here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support. There is no need to feel like you need to morally say the right thing to please family or anyone, including yourself.
Therapy can also allow you to feel validation, especially after experiencing trauma. However, therapists also understand that you need to go at your own pace. With that in mind, it also allows you to be in a space where you can lead the conversation without judgement, which can be transformative. If you are struggling, please know you are not alone.
If you or someone you know is experiencing an abusive relationship, you must remember that safety is key, and that abuse is NEVER acceptable or justified, in any situation.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
