Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Q&A with a Registered Social Worker
This week, we spoke to Registered Social Worker Kate Brockbank about the impact of pregnancy and infant loss and how it affects individuals and families. She also discusses the importance of acknowledging how multifaceted these experiences can be.
Q: Why is pregnancy loss so stigmatized?
A: Pregnancy and infant loss is incredibly stigmatized, as many see it as something shameful. Women feel this shame more so as there is a categorized notion as this is what they are “supposed” to do. In addition, pregnancy puts a value on individuals, which is harmful. Some perspectives allude to how individuals are perceived as “less of a woman,” especially if you do not already have a child, which is not true. There is also a perspective of people advising families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss to “get over it” as they did not know the baby or child. Family members may also urge you to keep children on your radar; however, you may not want to consider that. Pregnancy and infant loss contains so many levels of trauma, and that is just not talked about enough.
Even though this stigma is attached to pregnancy and infant loss, all women and individuals must know that this is not anyone’s fault. If that perspective can breakthrough, then the stigma can potentially be reduced.
Q: When is a good time to come in for therapy after experiencing infancy loss?
A: There is no pressure to attend therapy right away or soon after you experience this loss. Because it is a trauma, everyones’ experiences are different. I would say that individuals need guidance around this instead of a timeline of when the time is right. It is suggested that one goes early on to a therapist; however, the right time is whenever you believe it is.
Q: Why is it so important for ongoing support?
A: The loss of a pregnancy or infant is difficult because it is not just something you can get over. Anniversaries and milestones will come up every year, and other individuals and families around you may eventually become pregnant. An individual’s due date will also come up, which may cause a variety of emotions. There are so many emotional, psychological, and physical aspects when someone experiences this loss, making grieving multi-faceted. Because of this, ongoing support is needed as grief can hit at different times in different ways. If you have a support system for when it happens, it can be more manageable.
Q: What can partners do in these times of grief?
A: A partner’s role during grief is interesting because they are also grieving. They likely had visions of their life with a child and had goals and aspirations in mind. They must acknowledge their own feelings and be honest about them. Partners need to also recognize that there are other aspects of trauma experienced, especially physically, that they may not relate to.
Couples should take the time to be together and normalize talking about the loss. It is a good opportunity to ask one another questions and speak about how you want to talk about the loss to others in the future.
Overall, acknowledging what your partner has gone through is vital, and partners play a substantial supporting role.
Q: If women do not want to access one-on-one therapy, are there other options for receiving help?
A: Through the Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) network, support groups are available and connected with hospitals through Ontario. They provide support to many individuals who are experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. These groups can be incredibly impactful, as everyone can share their experiences. Hearing how others dealt with it can be helpful to those unsure where to start. Additionally, it proves that it is okay to speak about pregnancy loss in a non-judgmental environment. It also continues to normalize that these experiences happen, and they are nobody’s fault.
Q: How do you get family to understand the trauma of this loss?
A: Although family is a great support system, it can be overwhelming to have many views and perspectives coming from them, even if they mean well.
Setting boundaries about what you want and don’t want to talk about allows everyone the time and space they need to process what happened. The trauma will process in stages, so it may take time to speak of the loss of the child in authentic ways. It also is critical for families to understand that this is multi-layered trauma for the family it happened to. With boundaries, the language used when speaking of the loss is crucial. Language within traumatic events can be triggering, so it is important to be mindful. This is where couples being on the same page is extremely helpful, as you can take the lead on what is on and off the discussion table.
At the end of the day, families are a great support system and can help in many ways. Offering to make food, do laundry, or drive you somewhere are all great ways to show your support. However, family members need to ensure no conditions are attached to these acts. For example, just because you make food for someone grieving a loss doesn’t mean you can ask questions now, which is important to mention.
Q: If you already have children, is it okay to talk about the loss with them?
A: I think a huge thing parents can do is normalize the loss. Depending on their age, it may be difficult, but if parents believe their kids are at an age to understand, it is worth explaining that it is not a shameful secret.
They too have had feelings about having a new sibling, so it is important to acknowledge what has happened and validate their feelings. However, you don’t have to do this alone. This is where grandparents, partners, or other trusted adults in your support system can step in and discuss questions they may have, even in a casual setting.
Q: What are some things to keep in mind if someone has family experiencing this loss?
A: If you have family members experiencing this loss, it is crucial to meet them where they are and not make assumptions about their feelings. It is important to show your genuine love and support in a way everyone sees as appropriate. However, it is also critical that you don’t make your offering of support conditional. Offer to assist in any way that you feel is manageable for you and is what the family needs or wants. You should not use that to gain information you aren’t privy to or ask questions that exceed set boundaries.
Q: What are some strategies that families can use to help them grieve?
A: A variety of strategies are suggested to allow the trauma of pregnancy and infant loss to be normalized. This way, it is seen as an important step regardless of the stage of loss. For example, some families make material memories, such as memory boxes, or put handprints in clay at the hospital. This is an excellent option for hospitals because it becomes a typical practice once the option is available. Some individuals also find journaling helpful, as putting pen to paper can solidify how you are feeling in a moment.
Another strategy focuses a lot on self-care. Finding something that brings you balance and that you enjoy doing is a process that may take time; it is a huge investment in yourself.
It is also important to remember that these strategies are not necessarily distractions or a way to ignore your emotions, but a way to reflect and help you process the trauma and know that you are more than this experience. Therefore, even though it has happened and has been impactful, there is no need to find any type of “lesson” at the end of the day.
Q: What can therapy do for you?
A: Therapy provides a safe space, where you can say anything in a judgement-free area. This is a huge value, especially here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support. There is no need to feel like you need to morally say the right thing to please family or anyone, including yourself.
Therapy can also allow you to feel validation, especially after experiencing trauma such as a pregnancy or infant loss. However, therapists also understand that you need to go at your own pace and that there is no time frame for grieving any type of trauma. With that in mind, it also allows you to be in a space where you can lead the conversation without judgement, which can be transformative.
It is also important to note that therapists understand that grief moves through stages, which may be more challenging than others. But over time, the goal of therapy is to carry the experience forward and make meaning of it. So regardless of what has happened, therapists understand it can take any amount of time, which is totally okay. If you are struggling, please know you are not alone.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
