Women and Abuse
Q&A with a Registered Social Worker
In total, Canadians have spent $7.4 billion to address the aftermath of spousal violence. Children who are witness to violence are twice as likely to develop a mental health disorder that they will carry into adulthood. Clearly, domestic violence affects us all, and cannot be ignored.
Source: Canadian Women’s Foundation
This week, we interviewed Natalie Lafleur, a Registered Social Worker here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support, to get her thoughts on the topic of women and abuse to gain insight into how women might receive abuse, as well as how abuse can manifest itself in relationships.
Q: For women experiencing abuse, what does that look like? What are some of the challenges that women will face in these situations?
A: One thing I always like to remind myself - experiences of violence in relationships are not homogenous: there are some similarities, but invariably, specific challenges and associated risk will depend on several different factors.
Some things that often come up:
Financial challenges
Women may be prevented from accessing family finances, excluded from decision-making about household expenses, or be required to justify their spending to obtain money for groceries, clothing, or other basic needs.
Lack of access to their own income can contribute to difficulties leaving an abusive relationship – getting established and pulling together the resources for rent, groceries, basic needs, transportation etc. can be a huge barrier to leaving an abusive situation.
Parenting
Overwhelmingly, a woman’s child is usually her main priority. Women who are parenting and experiencing abuse face the challenging task of maintaining focus on their children’s best interests’ while enduring abuse.
Employment/Educational
Remaining focused at work or at school when experiencing any form of abuse at home is incredibly difficult. Attention might be pulled in any number of different directions – planning for safety, anticipating a partner’s mood, feeling unfocused or preoccupied due to a lack of sleep or intrusive flashbacks about the abuse.
Isolation/relational impacts
Talking about abuse (or even distressing, stressful experiences in relationships) can be hard. There is a lot of shame and judgement associated with experiences of abuse within an intimate relationship, so, often, women will not share these stories with friends or family members.
Not only does this mean they are not supported in their experiences; it also makes it easier for the partner to further convince her that she’s overthinking it, over-reacting or otherwise misinterpreting the situation.
Self-esteem/identity
Any kind of abuse erodes self-esteem and chips away at our sense of identity and efficacy. People automatically picture physical forms of violence when they think about abuse in relationships, however in reality, it’s the consistent erosion of self-esteem that results from ongoing threats, name-calling, insults and derogatory statements that continue to impact survivors of abuse over time.
I also think it’s important to recognize that Black women, Indigenous women, women of colour and women experiencing disability are affected by gender-based violence at a much higher rate than the general population. The experiences of violence for these folks is intensified by larger experiences of institutional, structural, and colonial violence in their daily lives.
Q: How are domestic violence issues becoming more pervasive now, in relation to COVID-19?
A: One issue that has been on everyone’s mind since the beginning of the pandemic is the increased isolation from supportive friends and family members. Isolation from support systems is the opposite of what is needed for women experiencing abuse. Women are no longer able to drop in on a friend for a break, if needed, without fear of repercussions due to pandemic restrictions on social interactions with people outside of their bubble. This increases risk for women, as it creates a situation where they are prevented from leaving a situation of escalating violence to access a familiar place of relative safety.
In light of COVID-19, there are now more barriers to accessing community supports. Women are unable to attend sessions with doctor, therapist, etc., in person, and there may be no freedom to talk openly about issues when at home. Many women are unable to continue therapy sessions when their therapist is no longer available in person. Conducting a session online increases the risk of their partner learning that they’re in therapy, engaging in attempts to limit their access to outside supports, and can become something their partner uses against them.
Job loss, financial strain, stress at work, sick friends or family members, ongoing geopolitical debates about appropriate collective pandemic responses can escalate conflict and exacerbate existing mental health struggles for both partners. As we have seen throughout the pandemic, there is an increase in substance use, gambling, and other riskier coping methods. Having children at home, not being able to have solitary time, and ineffective communication can all lead to relationship stress that may not have been present before.
Q: What should women be aware of?
A: All women need to be aware of domestic violence. The chance of risk increases when women decide to leave. Even if they don’t share their plans to leave, a partner might discern or notice signs of increasing independence and respond to this with escalated efforts at decreasing self-esteem and increasing reliance on the relationship. Physical violence and risk of lethality increase when women decide to leave. Its vital that women try to assess the warning signs or “red flags” in their partners.
Please remember, that there are plenty of resources that exist to support you, which are adjusting to deal with COVID-19. Women have nothing to be ashamed of by asking for help!
Q: What are some ways that family and friends can provide help if they think a woman is going through abuse?
A: For family and friends, make sure you check in regularly and make it clear that you can be relied-upon if she needs support or assistance. Be non-judgmental and check your expectations of the relationship – know your own biases, and how they might be making you react in a certain way. If she decides to stay with her abusive partner, figure out a way to support her in staying. However, do not normalize his behaviour – take opportunities to voice your concern about the impact of his choices or actions on your friend or family member. Do so without holding her responsible for his behaviour. Share your concerns without blaming her for anything that might be happening. And if you can, drop off food, or offer to take the kids for a few hours. Small actions like this can do a lot to help!
Q: For women in an abusive relationship, are there any warning signs they should look for?
A: As I mentioned before, instances of domestic violence are very situational. We know our partners and their behaviour best – there’s no single set of warning signs that will apply to everyone.
However, one thing I would recommend is to watch for a departure from the baseline (how your partner “usually” behaves) and take that departure seriously. Take note of changes such as…
Communication – tone, frequency, language
Are they drinking or using drugs more often?
Are they raising their voice, swearing, name-calling, blaming more often?
Are they willing to hear your feedback about the impact of their actions?
Do they respect the boundaries you set? Do they listen when you request a short break to collect yourselves?
Will they lower their voice and take a step back when asked?
Will they answer your questions?
Will they participate in conversations about your concerns?
Do they make observable changes after you provide feedback or make a request?
Does the behaviour persist after you’ve addressed it?
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor or psychotherapist can do to help?
A: I believe therapists are helpful because they can provide a sounding board – oftentimes we do not talk with our friends or family about the things our partner does that we find scary, surprising or concerning, for fear we’ll be judged for staying in the relationship. Professionals can provide a neutral space, without judgement, for you to process and understand the meaning and impact of your experiences. Just the act of saying things out loud creates opportunities to understand and explore them differently. Therapists can provide you with validation, a sense of community, help break isolation, and reduce shame. Therapists can help us to understand our own choices, and how those choices have served or not served us. Sometimes, they can just provide you with a different perspective. They will be looking out for you and your needs.
Q: What type of professional advice / tips can you offer?
A:
Document your experiences (keep it somewhere safe)
Have a safety plan, and make sure someone in your life knows the details
Have difficult conversations in proximity to other people
Your children are aware of more than you think they are
Keep important documentation, or copies, somewhere safe and easily accessible
Do not share plans to leave without consulting a third party for safety planning and support
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: Everyone can benefit from therapy. When your experiences in the relationship are starting to impede your well-being, or the well-being of your children, it’s time to speak with a professional. If you’re noticing experiences of self-blame, if you’re questioning your sense of reality, or if you’re finding yourself to be preoccupied with intrusive thoughts about the relationship or concerns about your safety – therapy can help you find some balance.
If you or someone you know is experiencing an abusive relationship, you must remember that safety is key, and that abuse is NEVER acceptable or justified, in any situation.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
