Men and Abuse
Q&A with a Registered Psychotherapist
In total, Canadians have spent $7.4 billion to address the aftermath of spousal violence. Children who are witness to violence are twice as likely to develop a mental health disorder that they will carry into adulthood. Clearly, domestic violence affects us all, and cannot be ignored. Source: Canadian Women’s Foundation
This week, we interviewed Chris Martin, a Registered Psychotherapist here at Peachey Counselling and Family Support, to get his thoughts on the topic of men and abuse to gain insight into how men might receive abuse, as well as how abuse can manifest itself in relationships
Q: What are some challenges that men must face when they are experiencing abuse? Why do you think that violence against men is often overlooked?
A: Men experiencing abuse is an noteworthy topic—it is not talked about as much, usually because it does not occur as frequently. However, this does not mean that it never happens. For men who are going through male-directed domestic violence, it can be difficult to admit that it is happening. We have a culture of masculinity which can perpetuate silence, that is rooted in self-directed shame. There are limited resources for male survivors of abuse. Likewise, a pervasive stigma surrounding men being abused by females can prevent men from reaching out for help.
From my experience with clients, there seems to be a long-establish narrative that men are the main perpetrators of violence in relationship – which is acceptable because it is true and backed by a multitude of statistics. However, because of this, events of violence against men are often overlooked and under-reported.
Q: How are domestic violence issues becoming more pervasive now, in relation to COVID-19?
A: Generally, COVID-19 is amplifying pre-existing challenges in relationships. Couples are forced to spend more of their days together. It has restricted people’s ability to create space between them and their partner when conflict is prevalent. Individuals who have lost their jobs or who are working from home may now be around their abusive partner all day.
Q: What are some things men should be aware of in domestic situations?
A: For those men who perpetuate abuse against their partners, they must be aware that the cycle of abuse can be halted. Change is difficult, but it is also possible. To exhibit change, you must recognize the negative behavior and acknowledge the negative effects it is having on your partner and others (i.e. children, family, friends).
For those men that are receiving abuse, they need to be aware that their safety is just as important as their partners, and it should not be discounted. They also need to know that there are aid systems available that are willing and able to help, and there is no shame in asking for support.
Q: What kinds of warning signs should people look for?
A: For those individuals you may suspect are being abused, I would look for slight changes in their disposition – being observant of their behavior is key. Observe if they have become more withdrawn, have difficulty focusing, become agitated easily, or have outbursts, and have low energy or motivation.
If you suspect that someone you know may be the perpetrator of abuse, it is equally as important to recognize the warning signs. These could include:
Rigid thinking – inability to place themselves in another’s shoes;
Quick to temper – gets mad or irritated easily;
Avoidance – avoids talking about their partner or home life;
Increased substance use – participating in unhealthy coping strategies;
Experiencing bouts of depression, guilt, or shame;
Isolation – refusal to interact with friends or family.
Q: What are some things that family and friends can do if they suspect an abusive relationship?
A: Oftentimes, for those who are going through abuse, it can be disheartening to think that your family may not believe what you are telling them as true. Family and friends must offer support in multiple ways, firstly by listening and believing that what your loved one is telling you is true, and then by taking further measures to ensure their safety. Report domestic abuse to the authorities if you perceive it to be a safety issue, particularly if children are present. In helping women in abusive relationships, it can help to create a safety plan – what to do in the event of an emergency, and how family can help. If you suspect a family member is being abused, it can also be beneficial to consider financial contingencies that can be relied upon if needed.
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor or psychotherapist can do to help?
A: When looking for a counsellor or therapist to help you through these tough situations, it is vital that you find someone who you are comfortable with and that appreciates the gravity of the situation you are experiencing. Therapists can help individuals work towards recognizing the problems and becoming accountable for their actions. A beneficial therapist will also help to challenge thinking patterns and belief systems that perpetuate domestic violence occurrence. They will cultivate tools that can help to manage anger and regulate the output of emotions in a healthy and safe way.
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: It is time to seek help when you feel that something is not right in your relationship – this does not mean that explicit abuse must be occurring. If you are feeling a disconnect from your partner, counselling may be a good way to address these feelings. Do not wait for abuse to happen. Oftentimes, couples will seek counselling when healthy communication is dwindling, or when there has been a seemingly irreversible change in their relationship. Do not be afraid to reach out! We are here to help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing an abusive relationship, you must remember that safety is key, and that abuse is NEVER acceptable or justified, in any situation.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
