Setting Holiday Boundaries: Is it Tradition or Obligation?
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”
ANNA TAYLOR
We’ve all been there (especially us moms)… overwhelmed by ALL THE STUFF that happens during the holidays.
The office holiday parties with awkward small talk. The endless ‘special holiday’ sales that have been on since November. The countless hours searching for gifts you can actually afford. The anxiety of having to host the holidays for your in-laws and making it ‘perfect’. The stress of it ALL can leave us feeling like the Grinch. Who out there, hasn’t wanted to ‘cancel Christmas’?
It’s easy to get caught up in all the things we feel NEED to happen in order to make ‘the holidays’ ‘magical’ to us. We all have our own perceptions and built-in experiences that have enforced our notion of the ‘perfect holiday’. We also have brands, corporations, influencers and the media all pushing their idealized version of what it takes to have the ‘BEST’ holiday ever!
However, when’s the last time you sat back (amidst the chaos) and thought to yourself… “why am I doing this?” Especially if it causes you stress, anxiety or even triggers stronger emotions like fear or trauma?
Now’s the time to reduce your stress and reclaim your peace asking yourself whether the traditions you follow are more of an obligation than a joy. In this blog post we’ll talk about what you can do to give yourself to realign with the true meaning of the season by setting healthy holiday boundaries.
Step 1: Identify and Define Your Values
Identifying and defining your values is a foundational pillar in setting healthy boundaries that foster your mental well-being.
Below is a series of introspective questions, to encourage you to embark on a journey of self-discovery, which is crucial for maintaining and enhancing mental health. Reflecting on activities that bring personal joy and fulfillment cultivates a deeper understanding of one's sources of happiness. Naming the things of utmost importance to you not only sheds light on your core values but also aids in prioritizing them in your daily life.
By acknowledging and addressing actions that induce negative emotions, you can proactively work towards eliminating or mitigating those unhealthy relationships. In essence, this first step serves as a gateway to understanding yourself, aligning actions with values, and establishing a solid foundation for your mental well-being.
Ask yourself:
What are the things you do often that make you feel good about yourself?
Name five things that are incredibly important to you.
How do you want people to view you?
How do you want to view yourself?
What are some of your goals in life?
What words come to mind when you think of ethics and morals?
What things do you do that make you feel bad about yourself?
What makes you feel included?
How do you want to grow as a person?
Step 2: Make Boundaries With Yourself
Before you can expect others to accept your boundaries, you have to be able to prioritize those things that contribute to your health and well-being first.
This second step recognizes the fundamental truth that prioritizing one's well-being is the cornerstone of establishing healthy relationships with others. By delineating personal boundaries, you create a framework that safeguards your mental and emotional equilibrium.
The provided examples underscore the importance of self-care in preserving mental health. Fulfilling promises made to oneself not only builds trust within but also reinforces a sense of accountability and self-respect. These exemplify how setting boundaries can act as a shield against external stressors, fostering a healthier mental space. In essence, making boundaries with oneself is an act of self-love and self-preservation, allowing individuals to create a supportive foundation for their mental health that ripples positively into their interactions with the external world. It empowers you to cultivate resilience, prioritize self-care, and foster a sustainable sense of well-being.
Consider these personal boundaries:
Do not buy things you cannot afford
Take regular breaks during the day
Keep the promises you make to yourself
End toxic relationships
Create a healthy sleeping routine
Take time to honour your feelings and process your thoughts
Talk to yourself like you would talk to a loved one
Give up the idea that you need to be perfect
Limit your screen time
Don’t answer work calls or emails on the weekends
Step 3: Identify who you might need to set boundaries with.
Identifying and setting boundaries with individuals in our lives is a crucial element in safeguarding our mental health, especially during the often stress-laden holiday season.
Acknowledging that much of our stress stems from interactions with colleagues, friends, or family members is the first step toward creating a protective shield for our well-being. These interactions, though well-intentioned, can sometimes leave us emotionally drained, contributing to heightened stress levels. The importance of setting boundaries lies in the recognition that it is acceptable, and indeed necessary, to delineate the emotional space we need for ourselves. This involves communicating our limits and articulating what is acceptable and what is not in our interactions with others.
Establishing these boundaries is not a sign of weakness but a powerful assertion of self-respect and a commitment to preserving mental and emotional balance. It allows individuals to create a buffer against the emotional toll that certain interactions may take, providing the space needed to recharge and maintain a sense of well-being. By identifying those with whom boundaries are necessary, individuals can foster healthier relationships and, in turn, cultivate a more positive mental state during the holiday season and beyond.
Here are some ways to identify who you might need to set boundaries with:
You feel emotionally drained after engaging with them.
You feel resentful or annoyed after being around them.
You don’t feel safe around them.
You don’t feel good about yourself after being around them. (They make you feel bad about your appearance, your intellect, your job, etc.,)
You no longer find value in the relationship.
You feel like you’re always the one putting effort into the relationship.
That person makes you feel guilty and responsible for how they feel.
You avoid people that you suspect are going to ask you for a favour because you are afraid you won’t be able to say no.
If you had a choice, you wouldn’t have this person in your life.
Step 4: Decide what is a tradition and what is an obligation.
Distinguishing between traditions and obligations and having the strength to say "no" is a pivotal aspect of protecting your mental health.
The holiday season often brings a slew of expectations, both self-imposed and externally influenced, that can contribute significantly to stress and anxiety. It becomes essential to critically evaluate whether certain activities are cherished traditions that bring joy or mere obligations that add unnecessary pressure. The importance of making this distinction lies in the recognition that not every commitment is conducive to our mental well-being. Saying "no" to obligations that do not align with our personal values or contribute positively to our life is an act of self-preservation. It allows us to prioritize our mental health by freeing up time and energy for activities that genuinely bring us joy and fulfillment.
Embracing this mindset empowers you to create a holiday season based on authentic connections and meaningful experiences rather than succumbing to societal pressures. It is a proactive step towards maintaining a healthy balance between your personal needs and external expectations, fostering resilience and emotional well-being during the festive season and beyond.
Consider the following:
Think about the traditions you enjoy and which you would like to keep.
Think about the traditions that you don’t enjoy, are outdated, no longer work, or are associated with a painful memory. Why do you continue to do them? What would happen if you just didn’t do them anymore?
Identify what things you want to say “no” to that feel more like obligations and fun.
Think about adding new traditions that suit your interests and lifestyle. Why not try them? What would happen if you did add this new tradition?
Step 5: Know your limits.
Understanding and acknowledging your limits can be difficult. In the complex landscape of modern life, individuals often find themselves navigating various roles and responsibilities, and the ability to recognize personal boundaries becomes paramount. Knowing your limits involves a deep and honest self-reflection, acknowledging when to say "enough" in the face of overwhelming demands or stressors. This awareness is crucial because pushing oneself beyond these limits can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a decline in overall mental well-being.
It involves setting realistic expectations for yourself and others, recognizing that it is not only acceptable but essential to communicate when certain thresholds are being approached. This practice is not a sign of weakness but a proactive measure to protect mental and emotional health. By establishing and respecting personal limits, you can create a more sustainable and supportive environment for yourself, fostering resilience and a sense of balance in the face of life's challenges. It is a fundamental aspect of self-care, empowering yourself to prioritize your mental health and overall well-being.
Ask yourself:
Write down the specific causes of your holiday stressors
Note what you think can help lessen your stressors
Define what you will say 'yes' or 'no' to based on will reduce your stress and bolster your mental health
Note that this can include finances, social engagements and workplace wellbeing
Step 6: Prepare to speak up.
When you speak up you avoid feeling resentful towards others, yourself, or the situation.
Bottling up feelings or suppressing your needs can lead to a host of negative emotions, including frustration, anger, and internal conflict, all of which can significantly impact you. By readying yourself to articulate thoughts, emotions, and boundaries, you are empowering yourself to express your needs and concerns effectively. This practice is essential for fostering open communication and maintaining healthy relationships. Suppressing emotions or avoiding confrontation may temporarily alleviate discomfort, but in the long run, it can contribute to heightened stress and anxiety.
Speaking up is an act of self-advocacy, allowing you to assert your needs and boundaries, which is crucial for preserving your mental and emotional balance. It helps in creating an environment where your feelings are acknowledged, leading to a greater sense of understanding and connection with others. In the context of mental health, the ability to speak up is a valuable tool for preventing the accumulation of negative emotions, contributing to a more authentic and harmonious life.
When you want to set a boundary, do these things:
Take deep breaths
Say an affirmation. Perhaps, “I can do this!” or “I need to do this for myself and my peace of mind.”
Think of a positive thing about that person, yourself, or the situation
Step 7: Speak up.
Sharing what you want and don’t want can be done respectfully. Setting your boundaries lessens the drama and relationship damage.
Speaking up is a fundamental means of expressing your needs, desires, and limits in a way that fosters open communication and mutual understanding. Effectively articulating what you want and don't want in a respectful manner is crucial for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This proactive approach significantly reduces the potential for drama and damage to relationships, as it promotes clarity and honesty. When individuals openly communicate their boundaries, it not only helps in preventing misunderstandings but also cultivates an environment of mutual respect. Bottling up desires or suppressing concerns often leads to internalized stress, anxiety, and, in the long run, potential damage to relationships. Speaking up, on the other hand, is an act of self-advocacy that allows you to assert your needs without compromising your mental well-being. It empowers you to navigate relationships with authenticity, fostering a sense of security and trust. In the context of mental health, the ability to speak up and set boundaries is instrumental in creating a supportive and harmonious social environment, contributing to overall emotional resilience and well-being.
The key here is to use “I” statements: I feel (state your emotion) when (behaviour that you don’t like) because or but (the effect that the behaviour has on you).
For example: “Finances are tough this year. I have a limited budget and would love to exchange gifts but I can't. Thank you for understanding."
Step 8: Just say ‘no’.
Sometimes you want to set a boundary but may be caught off guard to prepare what you will say.
The simple act of saying 'no' holds profound importance in the realm of mental health, serving as a potent tool for asserting boundaries and preserving emotional well-being. There are instances when the need to set a boundary arises suddenly, inducing distress. In such moments, the ability to confidently say 'no' becomes a crucial form of self-advocacy. By uttering this two-letter word, you can protect yourself from overcommitting, prevent the erosion of your mental reserves, and setting clear limits on what you can handle.
'No' is a complete sentence, and its power lies in its ability to shield against unnecessary stress, resentment, and burnout. It is an essential component of self-care, allowing you to prioritize your mental health by respectfully declining tasks, requests, or situations that may compromise your well-being. Embracing the simplicity of 'no' is an empowering act, providing a quick and effective means to establish boundaries even in the face of unexpected challenges, ultimately contributing to a healthier and more resilient mental state.
Here are some ways to just say "no":
" I'd love to but I can't."
" My calendar is already full."
" I'll be away."
" Wish I could but I'm not able to."
" No thank you."
Step 9: Be kind to yourself.
Acknowledging the need for boundaries is a significant step, but implementing them requires patience, self-compassion, and sometimes professional assistance.
Setting boundaries can be challenging, as it involves asserting one's needs, which may be unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Being kind to oneself in this process means understanding that it's okay not to get it perfect the first time and recognizing that boundaries are a crucial aspect of self-care. It involves acknowledging personal limits and giving oneself permission to prioritize mental health.
Sometimes, seeking professional help, such as therapy or counselling, can provide valuable guidance and support in navigating the complexities of boundary-setting. By being kind to oneself, you can cultivate resilience, learn from your experiences, adjust boundaries as needed, and gradually integrate this practice into your life.
Ultimately, kindness towards oneself is the cornerstone of sustainable mental health, fostering a nurturing environment for personal growth and the establishment of healthy boundaries. If you are vulnerable, honest, and respectful—no need to worry if people do not accept your boundary. Sometimes, people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited before you put them. You will also feel better about setting boundaries the more you keep doing it. Do the best you can. It’s all that matters.
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others."
BRENE BROWN
This quote from Brene Brown encapsulates the transformative power of boundary-setting as an act of self-love and resilience. Brown's insight emphasizes the bravery required to prioritize one's well-being over the potential disappointment of others. In a world often filled with societal expectations and pressures, daring to set boundaries is an assertion of individuality and a commitment to authentic living. It is an acknowledgment that self-love is not selfish but rather a foundational pillar for mental health and fulfillment. This sentiment encourages us to navigate the delicate balance between meeting our own needs and navigating relationships with others. In conclusion, the profound significance of boundary-setting highlights its role in fostering self-love, courage, and ultimately, a more authentic and emotionally resilient life.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And sometimes, love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
