Motherhood and Mental Health
Q&A with a Registered Social Worker
Stefanie Peachey is a Registered Social Worker and owner/director of Peachey Counselling and Family Support. She took some time to answer questions about mental health and motherhood for this month’s blog. Not only does Stefanie work with parents in this capacity, but she is a mom to three – soon to be four – kids! She speaks about her experiences as a parent, the stigma around a mother’s mental health, and ways to challenge the norms in place.
Q: How does being a mother affect mental health?
A: Being a mother can impact your mental health in many ways. As we’re often told, being a mother is one of the most fulfilling and challenging roles that a person can take on. Being a parent can improve mental health in many ways; it can give parents a sense of purpose, pride and accomplishment. In addition to this, it can cause a lot of stress, worry, social comparison and even panic.
Q: What are some stigmas that mothers face regarding mental health?
A: Mothers are often thought of as living for their children. They get it all done, they fill out all the forms, rarely ask for help, get the kids to and from activities and always know where the extra shoes, hats, and sunscreen are. This creates a feeling of weakness when things are challenging, and mothers don’t often speak up. I often hear from women that they see other people managing it all with ease and question why they are not. Now, this is often seen on social media. This idea of perfection is often portrayed for followers and we know it is not realistic. I certainly don’t post the moments of my house being a disaster and my kids talking back. These images and ideas can create a sense of failure and creates barriers for some women when it comes to speaking up.
Q: Why do these stigmas exist?
A: The pressure on mothers is real. Moms are thought of as being superhuman- that we can do it all. I once read that women are expected to work like they don’t have kids and parent like they don’t work. This resonated with me and many other mothers I know. The societal expectation that mothers do it all is unfair and creates a great sense of pressure and expectation. I often tell my mom clients that they, in fact, cannot do it all; who can? We can’t work 40 hours, be with our children every waking moment, meet their needs, keep a clean house, and care for ourselves. It’s impossible! I often share with clients that some weeks I am an excellent social worker and other weeks I’m an excellent mother, but that it’s not often that I feel that I’ve accomplished both to my standard of greatness.
Q: What type of therapy is available to mothers/parents/families that can help manage these concerns?
A: Individual therapy is available to all parents at any time and can help support their stress and assist them with navigating their needs. Counselling for parents and co-parents has become more commonplace as well. The key here is having the desire to create change and to learn. With that in mind, parents can tweak routines and expectations to change the dynamics of a household. Reaching out can feel challenging, but can be beneficial. If you feel that you need support, it is always the right time.
Q: Moms face challenges depending on their child’s age(s). What concerns are most prominent for mothers regardless of their children’s ages?
A: Ages and stages absolutely impact parenting, but the worry and concerns never change. Mothers and parents alike worry about their children’s well-being, health, and happiness at all ages. We feel a lot of pressure to meet our children’s changing needs and to ensure that they can report a positive childhood once they reach a level of reflection as adults. Again, social comparisons can be challenging, and all parents need to be mindful of this. There will always be someone with more time, a higher income, a fancier house or car, but how you allow these things to impact you and your parenting style is essential. Check in on your value system regardless of the age or stage of your children and ensure that you feel good about the job you’re doing.
Q: How can a father/parent/co-parent offer support to a mother?
A: I believe that the role of a partner has changed in recent years, but it has not changed enough. Partners need to be mindful that becoming a parent is life-changing for them as well and that they cannot expect their lives to go on as they have been. Parenting takes time, energy, and focus and a mother, or one partner, cannot do it all. Jump in, get things done, assign yourself tasks, and take accountability for your children's needs; by no means are you the babysitter. The number of times I have heard women say that they will ask their husband or partner if they can babysit...don’t get me started! But to the caring partners and fathers out there- keep it up! I believe that there are several more of you today than there used to be, and I applaud you for questioning the norms we have lived with for far too long. Respect your partner and your family, and everyone will be mentally healthier.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
