Self-Esteem Issues in Pre-Teens and Teens
Q&A with a Registered Social Worker
Transitioning from childhood to adolescence is tumultuous time in a young person’s life, with so many developmental and social changes occurring in a relatively short period of time. And, for many 10-18 year old’s, it has become a stressful and often painful experience. And it’s no wonder. No generation has had to tackle the same kind of outside influences and pressures as they have. Especially now…
This week, we interviewed our Peachey Counselling and Family Support team member, Registered Social Worker, Kate Brockbank, about the challenges facing pre-teens and teens when it comes to their self-esteem.
Q: What are some of the specific issues / challenges that young people are facing right now?
A: Many teens and pre-teens are facing similar issues to all of us; however, their uncertainty tends to be escalated. COVID-19 has taken our lives in its grasp and increased the number of unknowns that we are faced with. Parents with young adults are now dealing with their own jobs and stressors, as well as being forced to have some difficult conversations with their children.
The fabric of our day-to-day life has been altered, and parents are becoming crushed under the weight of being positive for their children. Adolescents are unable to experience major milestones in lockdown. Graduating high school, going to prom, getting a driver's license, applying for your first job and planning for the future have become relatively obsolete, with virtual gatherings paling in comparison to the idealized dream of experiencing these events in person. Older teenagers may feel a lack on independence because of not being able to go out. All of this can impact how young people construct their identities.
In addition to this, extracurricular activities are massively affected by COVID. A teen's ability to connect with like-minded friends is affected by the inability to actually meet these people. This is a large part of pre-teen and teen development. It's important that teenagers develop connections to activities that they feel good doing, and that they feel they can succeed in these endeavors.
Teens may be asking themselves some important questions while sitting at home: “Where do I fit in?” & “What am I good at?”. In isolation, these questions, left unanswered, can become crushing to an adolescent's self-esteem.
Another topic that can often have a larger effect on teenagers then expected is social media usage. Now that young people are at home more, they often choose to turn to online platforms for diversion. Many influencers and content creators online appear to live a “perfect” life, with many neglecting the COVID restrictions in their area. Teenagers will be exposed to lots of different lifestyles and beauty ideals through social media, balancing their own situation against those that they see online. Comparison is inevitable.
For example, teenagers who were athletes in pre-COVID times may feel less “in shape” because of being home all the time. Observing influencers who are continuously unaffected by COVID can cause teens to feel negatively about themselves and their bodies.
Q: What should parents be aware of?
A: Like I mentioned before, parents can become overwhelmed with how to effectively deal with their adolescent during this time. There are a couple things that parents need to keep in mind:
How they talk to their kids
If possible, try to talk to your teenager about how they feel about themselves.
Parents need to engage with their children about how they are going through big changes – both physical and mental. Teens often require someone to be able to ask questions to about the larger aspects of growing up.
Parents need to be aware of their children’s online lives.
For pre-teens (10-12) – parents should keep a keen eye on how their children interact with social media platforms.
For Teens – who want to have more independence, you want your teen to be very careful about what they do online.
It’s vital that parents talk about online safety to their child.
It’s important for teens to engage with topics you discuss with them instead of it being a lecture. If they see you talking about something challenging or vulnerable, it gives them permission (sometimes unconsciously) to talk about it as well. When engaging in difficult conversations with your pre-teens and teens it is helpful for them if you keep your emotional responses or reactions minimal, especially if they disclose something that they have been struggling with. Clinical experts agree that pre-teens and teens don’t trust emotionally unpredictable parents, the key here is to remain calm and consistent.
Know what’s normal in their lives. Encourage your adolescent to challenge what they think they know and why they act the way they do. This could include who they like to spend time with (friend groups), why they like it, and what they see online. If you can try to establish an open conversation about what's real and not real on social media.
All discussions can help to bring children and parents closer together.
Q: Are there any negative behaviours that parents should look for?
A: Being in lockdown and unable to leave the house for fun can cause big changes in mood in young people. Adolescents may be withdrawing from things they used to find joy in. Part of this is normal for teenagers, but when it is appearing in every aspect of their life and how they talk, it is not normal. Unhappy teens may engage in negative self-talk. They may also have an inability to extrapolate their goals – they are only focused on the now and are unable to plan for their futures. Additionally, if your teen is highly sensitive or introverted it can be difficult to get them to disclose how they feel and what is impacting them, as these feelings and experiences build-up they will manifest in other ways such as angry outbursts, crying, and irritability.
Q: What are the implications of these issues as they grow older?
A: Experiencing the pandemic during your teenager years can have an exorbitant effect on teenagers, more so than adults and young children. Ideologies and habits that are developed in teenage years can have a long-lasting effect leading into adulthood. Our teenage years build the foundation for how we think about ourselves, how we navigate relationships, how we become parents, and the careers we will have. It is a huge period of growth and change.
There are lots of seeds planted during this time about careers and goals. What teenagers succeed and fail in forms their viewpoint of their capabilities and insecurities. It is also a time when teens need to learn how to manage their feelings in different situations. When they are deprived of these emotional milestones, it can be detrimental. Furthermore, the patterns that we develop during adolescence can have a lasting impact on our sense of self and where we belong.
For instance, if a teen is bullied by their peers about how they look, this can infiltrate their self-talk and become a normal way of thinking about themselves, teen may begin to tell themselves that they are “ugly” or “don’t deserve connection”. If these negative self-statements are not actively confronted or challenged, they can form and shape our core beliefs about ourselves. Therefore, if feeling “ugly” or “underserving of connection” has been normalized to this point, as teens move into their adulthood they may struggle with feeling that they are “not enough”, the core value being “I am not enough”.
Q: What are some ways that parents can be more supportive of their children during this time?
A: With everything happening in the world right now, I feel that the most important thing to do with your teens is to have a conversation. And not just any conversation. Engage in conversations about their feelings, fears of the future, and negative experiences. This can be extremely difficult, but it can also be pivotal to your teen's life. Try not to engage in toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the idea that no matter how bad a situation can be, you must always have a positive mindset.
Manage expectations. If your child is a perfectionist, then they can become overwhelmed with online school. Make sure they are okay with their performance and are not placing undo strain on themselves because they believe they have to be perfect. I love this quote from Maria Shriver: “At its root, perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate.” Do you talk to your teen enough to know if they are feeling this way? A helpful approach to reversing perfectionism is to focus on values rather than performance, ensuring that your children know what you value about them as people, rather than what they can achieve.
Let your child be unsure. But make them feel like they can talk to you about their insecurities.
When I was younger, we used to have something called a “Feeling's Chart” – basically what this meant is that we put a big list of feelings and emotions up on the fridge. When we had disagreements, my parent would ask us to point to the emotion we were feeling in that moment. This makes rules creative and allows you to have a plan on how to diffuse arguments. This strategy also normalizes identifying and managing emotions and creates a shared language among family members where everyone is allowed to express how they are feeling.
Another way to establish some sort of openness between your teen and you is to use visuals. This could be in the form of a vision board. Take some time with your teen and create a collage or board with an assortment of pictures of what they want to achieve in their lives. This doesn’t have to all come true, but it can provide your teen with a sense of direction and a visual representation of their goals. Then, the more they walk by it, the more they engage with it, and the more it appears normal to your teen. This can also allow parents some insight into how their teen sees themselves and their futures.
Q: What are some things that a social worker, counsellor, or therapist can do to help?
A: Therapists can allow for teenagers to have a safe space to label and identify these issues. They can help to unpack challenging experiences and be someone to bounce ideas off who isn't influenced by your daily life. When you feel bombarded by negative feelings, therapists can validate that what your feeling should be taken seriously.
If your teen is interested in art and music, therapy can help to play to these interests by finding artful ways to draw what a feeling looks like and how it impacts them. I like to do this by asking “What do the feelings look like?” and encourage them to draw their feelings through symbols and words. With teens and pre-teens – it can be hard to get them to feel comfortable. Using art in a therapeutic way can reinforce a sense of mastery – I really appreciate what they contribute.
For example, if a teen is struggling with anxiety, it is important to de-personalize the anxiety. It's not you! It doesn’t define you. I like to ask adolescents to draw what their anxiety looks like. Oftentimes, teens may draw a monster or a predatory creature. I then like to ask them how this monster affects their life. What can they do to defeat this monster from their life?
Q: When is it time to see a professional?
A: As parents, re-acquaint yourself with your teens baseline behavior, and become aware of how they are changing. Try to be cognizant of the support that can be available to them, either with you, or with a therapist. If they continuously talk about themselves negatively, have extreme emotional outburst, or engage in suicidal talk (i.e., “I wish I wasn’t here”, “No one cares if I’m alive” etc.), therapy could be the first step in trying to extinguish these sentiments forever.
If you are the parent of a pre-teen or teen and have been noticing that they are struggling with issues related to self-esteem, body-image, anxiety or depression, please know you are not alone.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
