FU Menopause
My story of surviving the menopausal rollercoaster
Hi! If you're in your 40s - 50s and feel like your body has turned against you, fear not – you're not alone.
First off, I am not a mental health professional nor a healthcare provider. I am a 53 year old woman who has gone through perimenopause and is working her way through menopause. As a fellow woman traversing this hormonal roller coaster, I'm here to share some laughs, commiserate over hot flashes, and provide you with my story of survival.
Introduction: God is Not a Woman
I was born in the 70’s, grew up in the 80’s, became an adult in the 90’s and a wife and mother in the 2000’s. By the time I hit 40, I had already had my period for 30 years. That’s approximately 360 periods and each period was a full 7 days. That’s 2,520 days of my life! Oh, and did I mention that each of those days came with painful cramps, heavy flow and nausea? Couldn’t be worse, right?
Wrong. I was late. Was I pregnant? My breasts were soooooo sore, my stomach was super bloated, I didn’t feel like myself. Took a test. Negative. Then I was really late. Again, took a test. Negative. Then I was really, really, late. I must be pregnant! Took a test. Negative. And, then I got my period. It was the worse period EVER. It lasted for 15 days. All of a sudden, my period was all over the map. One month on, 2 weeks off, 1 day on, 4 weeks off, 2 months on, 2 weeks off. I never knew when it would strike, how long it would last or how I would feel. And, for the next FIVE years, this continued until finally, when I was 46, a full year had gone by without having a period.
I realized then that God is definitely, not a woman.
Chapter 1: The Prelude to Perimenopause
You wake up in the middle of the night thinking you are lying on lava. You feel the heat rising from your head to your toes. You throw off the covers, take off your socks, and strip down. You’re sweating, you’re hot… and then, you’re clammy and wet and shivering.
The infamous hot flash – nature's way of giving you a taste of what hell feels like. This is the prelude to perimenopause, where the only thing hotter than the weather is your body's internal thermostat going haywire. And, despite what you might have heard, a hot flash can happen anywhere, anytime…
Picture this, I’m in the middle of a business meeting - where I am the only woman - when suddenly, I feel a sensation creeping up my chest like a fiery inferno. My cheeks flush, my heart starts to race, and I begin to sweat. Despite my pride, I begin fanning myself furiously with the nearest stack of paperwork. I feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust and then - just like that - the heat disappears. I am mortified.
So, how do I deal with the heat?
Practically speaking, there are a ton of products on the market to help keep you cool. Cotton pajamas, bamboo sheets, cooling pillows, cooling blankets, etc., and… they work. Then invest in fans - ceiling fans, floor fans or a personal fan that can double as a fashion accessory. Embracing your inner airbender is the key to surviving the heat. Other than that, you will learn how to dress in layers so you can disrobe (without getting naked) when the need strikes. And, you might as well put away the heavy flannel and wool now… you won’t need those for a long while.
From a mindset perspective, I think it’s important to not forget the power of humor – because let's face it, nothing cuts through the sweat and tears faster than a good old-fashioned laugh. Commiserating with my fellow hot flash survivors and sharing our funny stories lightens the mood and makes us all feel a little better and not so alone.
And finally, here’s my trick… When I feel a hot flash coming on (especially at night), I lay there, close my eyes, throw off the covers and visualize myself on a beautiful beach with the warm waves of the ocean washing over me. The heat matches the moment in my head and it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. Then when it’s over, I cuddle back up in my covers and go back to sleep. Mischief managed.
Chapter 2: The Hormonal Highs and Lows
The beginning of my 40’s was both exciting, stressful and frankly overwhelming. At the time, I was officially out of baby-making mode and into full-time, career-driven, workaholic mode. I felt this urgency to make my mark.
Most days I’d wake up feeling like the queen of the universe, ready to conquer the day with the gusto of a warrior on a quest. I was a girl-boss. I was doing it all. I was making it work. I was putting in 50-60 hours of work a week, or more. I was keeping the house clean and doing ALL the stuff. My head told me “I could do it all”, my emotions told me otherwise.
And then, it happened. I was drowning in a sea of emotions, crying over literally ANYTHING. I felt like a dark cloud was following me. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was miserable. I was exhausted. I felt like I was going crazy. (And, let’s not forget that this was happening while my period was all over the place. Physically I was suffering from anemia from the blood loss and then there were those days of cramps, nausea and headaches.)
Turns out these were the hormonal highs and lows of perimenopause – a whirlwind of mood swings – where you are so together one minute and a complete mess the next. Long story short, I knew something needed to change and confided in my doctor about how I was feeling. We talked about all my symptoms and the first thing she suggested was a leave of absence from work. I was both shocked and relieved. I knew I needed help and she had just confirmed that this wasn’t “all in my head.” But then, she recommended that I take anti-anxiety medication…
Now, as a “Gen X-er” I was taught that taking medication meant you were crazy. That it meant I wasn’t “strong” enough to cope. I was embarrassed and ashamed at the thought of taking meds. It would mean admitting that I was a failure. But my doctor (who is awesome btw) let me know that this not about my willpower or a defect of character. The hormonal imbalances we go through during perimenopause are biological, and cannot be controlled by our thoughts alone.
I put aside any doubts I had. I agreed with my doctor and, after about two weeks of taking my anti-anxiety medication, I WAS feeling better. It felt as if the clouds had parted. My racing mind and anxious thoughts had quieted. My mood swings became fewer and far between. My emotions were no longer at the surface. I could think clearly about what I wanted and needed.
That was over 7 years ago, and if I could go back in time, I would have talked to my doctor as soon as my perimenopausal symptoms started to appear in my early 40’s. Instead, I waited over 5 years until I was BURNT OUT. I had waited until things were intolerable and I didn’t have to. I continue to take my anti-anxiety medication and it really works for me. It helps me feel grounded and for lack of a better word, mellow. Sure, I still have stressors in my life - who doesn’t - but my emotions don’t make it “overwhelming” anymore. Instead, I am able to take a more mindful approach to what I am challenged by. I feel more in control.
Chapter 3: The Battle of the Bulge
Okay, I’ve always been a curvy mid-sized girlie with an ample chest. I’m no stranger to gaining some pounds… but when they say everything changes at 40, they weren’t kidding.
I had lost the baby-weight but corresponding with the irregular periods and the crazy hormonal mood swings, I always felt and looked bloated. Everything I put on just started to fit differently … my upper arms were getting flabby, the baby belly was starting to sag, my bum was getting flatter, the boobs were sitting lower, and there was a second roll of stomach appearing above my waist. WTF!
Then between fits of ravaging hunger, constant chocolate cravings, and eating out, I was starting to get heavier and rounder (especially in the belly) every year. By the time I turned 50, I had gained close to 100 pounds! We were still in and out of COVID lockdowns when I hit the highest weight I had ever been and I knew I had to make some big changes.
I’ve probably gained and lost 100s of pounds over my lifetime. As a curvier girl, it was easy for me to gain 20-25 pounds one year and lose it the next. I’ve done ALL the diets. But, when it came time to lose the weight this time, it was DEFINITELY NOT easy or fast. You start to realize pretty quickly that diets are not going to work anymore. Crazy workouts are not going to work anymore. Losing 10 pounds in a couple weeks is not going to happen anymore. It really is about what you are eating, when you are eating and definitely how much. All the stuff we already know - high nutrients, low sugar, low sodium, high fiber, portion control, and not eating late - really does matter.
So, if you are turning 40 or in your 40’s… it’s time to get your nutrition under control. Forget the diets and the high-impact workout routines. I have lost close to 80 pounds in three years by simply being mindful of what, when, and how much I eat. Portion control is key for me - as I do not avoid any foods such as bread, cheese or red meat. I still have chocolate. I still have pasta. I still love food. I just make sure that it is an appropriate portion and in moderation, because I still want to enjoy life! No more diets every again. For me, it’s a new lifestyle. It’s about healthier habits. It’s about being comfortable in the body I’m in while I’m in it and not about how much I weigh or what size I wear.
As far as exercise, I walk as much as I can and I am about to start low-impact strength training. That’s it. I try to stay active in my day-to-day by using the stairs instead of the elevator, walking my dog rain, sleet or shine every day, and making sure I am not sitting too long at my desk. I personally like to take 10 minute breaks in the backyard to soak in some sunshine about once an hour and have been know to dance “like know one’s watching” while I make dinner. For me, it’s about making sure I am moving my body, getting fresh air and active in some way - whether that’s cleaning the house or taking a hike - every day. Whether you are into exercising or not, you have to find something that works for you and then do it - consistently.
Chapter 4: The Quest for Eternal Youth
So…. this one sucks. One day, you find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror, wondering where the years have gone and why your face seems to be playing tricks on you. Wrinkles start appearing, dark circles get darker, your eyelids start to droop and you start pulling your skin back with your fingers as you contemplate what a little Botox could do for you. And, then out of no where you see it… chin hairs! A mustache! Adult acne? Whaaattt? All of a sudden I was rockin’ hair on my upper lip, more pimples then I ever had in high school and my body hair was growing (my armpit hair) and disappearing from the weirdest places (my vajayjay). I felt so ugly and OLD!
Meanwhile I’m looking at gorgeous women - of a certain age - with no flaws living their best lives on social media. I needed to get my mojo back!
I started perusing the beauty aisle at the store, and was bombarded by anti-aging creams, serums and potions promising to turn back the hands of time. But I had no idea where to start. Do I really need an 12 product system? Confused, I left. Same thing with the makeup… I was so overwhelmed by all the steps, all the products, all the contouring! Then when it came to my hair…. I came to the realization that I just couldn’t maintain my dark roots any longer. It was time to transition… to gray.
Was I giving up and giving in to old age?
NOPE. I just started to realize that how beautiful you are, has nothing to do with age. How you feel about yourself and how comfortable you feel within your body is what makes you beautiful. As I spent more time focusing on getting healthy (eating better and being more active), I noticed that my skin and hair were also getting healthier. I wore less makeup and let my hair grow long. I focused more on on how I felt and less on how I looked and eventually, I felt better and looked better as a result. So my advice? Don’t fall prey to the siren song of smooth skin and wrinkle-free perfection. The allure of eternal youth is hard to ignore but there’s something about aging gracefully - and whatever that means for you - that we should be celebrating instead.
Chapter 5: The Low Libido Limbo
Around the same time as my irregular periods and hormonal imbalances, even the thought of a romantic rendezvous felt as appealing as a root canal. Trying to summon the energy for a little romance when you find yourself nodding off faster than a toddler after a sugar crash, is challenging. I was exhausted, stressed out with work and unknowingly dealing with the symptoms of perimenopause (including dryness and soreness in your privates). The very thought of any living thing touching me made me cringe. Even the way my husband was breathing was starting to make me rage! I lost ANY desire for sex. I would rather binge-watch true crime documentaries in my pajamas than partake in any bedroom shenanigans. I contemplated how I could get away with murder… Gone Girl style.
Ah, yes, the struggle is real, my friends. At times I wondered if I just didn’t love my husband anymore, and he wondered the same as I spurned even a toe touching me under the covers. But he hadn’t changed…. I had.
It took a while for me to figure it out - but again it was the hormones! After talking to my doctor, I learned that it was part of the fun of perimenopause. So fear not, there are ways to spice things up in the bedroom (or wherever else strikes your fancy) despite the low libido. Embrace the awkward conversations and uncomfortable moments with your partner. Let them know it’s gonna take a little creativity and effort to fan your flames of passion. Reignite the spark by scheduling regular date nights and if you can weekends away. Intimacy needs to be prioritized in order to find your new rhythm as a couple and eventually you’ll figure out what works for you to keep the love alive.
Chapter 6: The Cloud of Brain Fog
Remember your pregnancy brain? Me neither!
The brain fog of menopause – is like the sensation of walking through life with a perpetual foggy lens over your mental faculties. If you've found yourself forgetting where you put your keys, struggling to recall a word that's right on the tip of your tongue, or zoning out mid-conversation like a malfunctioning robot… you guessed it… it's the hormones wreaking havoc on your cognitive functions.
I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend when suddenly, I realized that I had been nodding along for the past five minutes without actually processing a single word they said. I would keep losing my phone in the house and finding it in weird places like the fridge or in the pantry. I could not - for the life of me - remember ALL the words to my FAVOURITE song. I would walk into rooms and forget why I was there or what I was doing. And…. here I am over 10 years into this journey and the brain fog is still there… just not as much.
Practically speaking, I use a lot of sticky notes and make sure I schedule things into a family calendar so I’m not the only one aware of what’s happening. I’m reading a lot more and avoiding the scroll - as much as I can - and have started playing word and number games to keep the old brain working. Other than that, I’m working on just having a sense of humour about it. At the end of the day, I eventually remember what I forget and I can still rock out to my fav song - even if I have to sneak a peak at the lyrics.
Chapter 7: Rising Above the Clouds
So, if you’ve followed me along this far, you might be feeling like the transition of menopause really sucks, and in many ways, it does. But, if I can give you any sense of hope or relief, it would be to let you know that it doesn’t have to be as bad for you as it was for me.
If I could go back in time, I would have been more prepared about what to expect and I would have gotten support a lot sooner. As soon as my period became irregular, I should have gone to my doctor and let her know. We could of talked about the symptoms to expect and worked out how to manage them. I could have gone into this transition with more confidence instead of blindly working my way through what I was experiencing. I spent YEARS waiting to feel better and I didn’t have to. Instead, I waited until things became intolerable. I waited until my mind and my body told me… enough is enough!
So, here is my humble advice for you:
If you are in your early 40s get prepared. No one is going to advocate for your health better than you. It’s time to do your homework. Learn what to expect and keep track of your period and symptoms.
Don’t ignore your physical health. When you start to see those pesky symptoms appear, visit your doctor! You’re body is going through a lot of upheaval and it’s vital to know what areas you need to address. Regular check-ups including doing blood work, paps and mammograms are necessary evils because if you don’t know what’s broke… how are you going to fix it?
If your doctor sucks - get another one. Get a healthcare provider that understands perimenopause and menopause and is up to date on the latest research and treatments. Having a doctor that understands and believes what you are going through is essential.
Take care of you. You know what you have to do. Eat better. Move more. Get your sleep. Schedule regular self care. Prioritize your health and wellness. Get support when you need it. And, girl you better treat yo’self too!
Let it go. Yes Ilsa, become the Queen you are and just let it go… let it go… Yes, aging and being a woman can really suck in this youth-obsessed world but you gotta let go of what you cannot control. I try to keep a sense of humour and positive mindset about all of the craziness involved with menopause and if that doesn’t work… I find a lot of swearing helps too!
Chapter 8: Rediscovering My Purpose
I’m 53 now and am reaching the other side of menopause. Do I still have symptoms? Yep. Do my symptoms impact my life. Sometimes. But at the end of the day, I’m good. In fact, I’m feeling better than ever. And, in many ways I have my experience with menopause to thank. Menopause made me realize that my health and wellbeing were more important than anything else.
Because, here’s the thing about getting older… you have a choice about how you will age. Although our time here is limited, and we all get old and eventually pass away… the quality of lives is based largely on the decisions we make every day, the habits we form and the priorities we make. Once I turned 50 my doctor frankly stated what I already knew to be true… I was obesely overweight, drinking too much coffee, not getting any exercise, and showing signs of diabetes and high cholesterol. If I didn’t change my habits then I was ensuring that I would continue to feel lethargic, unwell and unhappy. If I didn’t make a change, then I was going to shorten the length and quality of my life.
It’s hard as women to put ourselves first. We’re so used to being caregivers to our children, family and friends. But when it comes to taking care of ourselves, we feel guilty. But the silver lining of menopause is that it forces you to take care of yourself. It forces you to pay attention to your body, your emotions and your purpose. Once I became free of my periods and the symptoms of perimenopause, I found a sense of peace that allowed me to take time and make space for myself. I am rediscovering who I am and what I want in this new phase of life that has nothing to do with taking care of other people. It’s about taking care of me.
Do I still have struggles? Do I still feel stressed out! Of course I do. But I feel stronger to take on what life throws at me. I feel secure in my ability to cope with challenging situations. I am confident about my beliefs, values and what I want from life. I feel good about aging gracefully in my own way that feels comfortable for me. I am open to exploring new career paths and taking on new hobbies. I’m “okay” with letting my son go off to school and becoming an empty nester. I’m looking forward to the next phase of my life and rediscovering my purpose.
The moral of the story:
Menopause doesn’t have to be the end of being a vital, beautiful and confident woman. I’m not going to lie… it’s not easy and sometimes, it’s just the worst, but you can get through this. Don’t wait to get help and let go of any pride when it comes to getting the support you need and deserve. If you can approach things with a sense of humour, optimism and self-love you can make it through the other side feeling better.
Thanks for letting my share my story and if all else fails… remember to just say FU menopause… because swearing really does help!
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And sometimes, love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
